


Rabbit Parasite

by SuicideToro



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:03:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1961271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuicideToro/pseuds/SuicideToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Che. I saved the idiotic rabbit from the Noah, and he just changed ever since he got back. And then he was gone, and I had to go look for him. I didn't think I was getting into such a mess. I didn't understand how he was suffering. I didn't know those <i>things</i> were tearing him inside out. And now... now I have to kill him to save him.<br/>A Kanda/Lavi fic set after the current Searching for Allen Walker arc. Yaoi, boy love, angst and mild gore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Storming the Castle

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU HAVE NOT READ PAST THE ALMA ARC, THERE BE SOME **SPOILERS** AND YE BE WARNED.
> 
> Allen has been brought back to the Order by Johnny and Kanda with his Fourteenth personality and Apocryphos problems put aside for the moment. Once the Order makes sure they had him in their grasp, they go after Bookman because he had valuable information that could have helped the Noah. Kanda is sent to save Bookman and Lavi, and after Lavi returns to the Order, he's changed. He sees things he shouldn't see. He has nightmares. Lavi attacks Chaozii and flees the Order, and Kanda is sent to recapture him. If Lavi hadn't been turned into an Akuma or went insane from the torture, just what is he up to? 
> 
> Since Hoshino-sensei has neglected to mention Lavi in the last chapters just before the hiatus, I'm dying to know what happened to him. While Kanda and everyone else seemed to care only about Allen Allen Allen, nobody seemed to worry much about the two captured Bookmen. I mean, we know Lavi was injected with parasites and... SO WHAT HAPPENS? There may be some inaccuracies since it's been a while since I've brushed up on the main story. I openly welcome suggestions, comments and critiques. Thank you.
> 
> I'm new to fic writing. Please be gentle with me. *bows*

Kanda peeked around the corner. Akumas of all levels, shapes and sizes ran to and fro in panic as they rushed to help the Noah with the siege outside. Good, the excitement will keep the stupid creatures from noticing him easily.

It had taken the Order three months of careful scheming for this attack, and Kanda was chosen to be the infiltrator into their sworn nemesis’ lair, purely because of his unnatural speed and the fact that he was the only one who could take on more than a few Akumas at a time thanks to what little self-healing abilities he had left. Also, now that Allen Walker was safely back in the custody of the Order, the only way the top dogs of the Order were going to let him out to participate in the rescue mission was if a General was keeping an eye on him. Since they needed Moyashi’s knowledge of the lair through the Fourteenth’s memories and his control of the Ark to make a quick escape, they put Kanda and Tiedoll in charge of the operation and deferred the other Generals to minimize the risk of losing all of them in a single battle. As the other Exorcists created a distraction outside the area to draw the powerful Noah away, Kanda alone snuck around the perimeters, taking down Akuma guards until he had found the passageway aforementioned in one of the Order’s hidden records, which he had used his new General powers to gain access to.

Thankful that the only sources of light in the Akuma-ridden area were small torches on the walls and he was dressed completely in black, the Japanese Exorcist slipped into the shadows and passed the main hall like an alley cat without any Akumas being all the wiser for it. He came down a long hallway with peeling yellowed paint and gaped at the sheer amount of oak doors lined neatly along the walls. How the hell was he supposed to find the Bookmen in time?! 

Kanda bit back a sharp curse and tried to think ahead. Under an attack, he assumed that the Noah will most likely choose battling with the Exorcists over staying behind and playing guard to their captives. With a lot of luck, the Earl of Millenium would still be recuperating from his major battle with Moyashi not long ago and there would only be a couple of Level Threes and Fours loitering around that area. With a bloody miracle, he might dodge them long enough to find the Bookmen and spring them out of there. 

It was an incredibly stupid plan, but it wasn’t like the hostages would ever be able to break out from the Noah’s lair by themselves. The Grand Generals were adamant that Bookman must be brought back dead or alive. He knew too much about the previous Noahs, and any information he leaked to the Earl would jeopardize their power, tipping the Holy War greatly against their favour. Kanda did not quite relish the idea of getting hurt or even killed for the pair of Bookmen, but orders were orders and the pleading from Lenalee and Allen was getting on his nerves. Kanda mentally resigned. First on the agenda would be to find out where they were being imprisoned.

Kanda opened a couple of doors, but all of them opened into cavernous emptiness. A quick search of the first floor proved unfruitful , so he took a flight of stairs up to the second floor. He paused at the landing, listening. He heard nothing but the scuttling of Akuma below and the roar of the fight outside. There seemed to be no activity up here. Cautiously, he crept up to a similar door-lined corridor. One of the doors was slightly ajar. Kanda carefully peeked in, and immediately wished he hadn’t. Tied to a rusted metal bed with thick iron chains were a couple of corpses, rotten beyond recognition except that the body sizes indicated the victims were likely to be young women. The pungent smell of decay hit Kanda, and he quickly withdrew his face from the door. More of the Noahs’ playthings, he thought in disgust. A mental image of Bookman and Lavi dead and rotting on some other rusty bed came into Kanda’s mind, and he shuddered. Not that he really cared, but they were his comrades after all, he told himself firmly. 

“That was Tyki’s doing. I keep telling him to clean up, but just because I keep making these rooms, he doesn't bother to.”

Kanda jumped and unsheathed Mugen at the voice of the Ninth Noah beside his ear. Road Kamelot smiled lazily at his reaction and licked her swirly lollipop. “Hello, pretty boy. Kanda Yuu, wasn’t it? Do you remember me? I was there in your memories with my Allen.” 

Kanda glared at her. Road Kamelot, the eldest of Apostles, the ‘Dream’ Noah. Allen and Lenalee had mentioned that during their time in the Ark, when Kanda was holding off the Wrath Noah, Road had driven Lavi to attack Moyashi by messing with his mind. She was there when he was under the Wisdom Noah’s influence too. She had supposedly disappeared when Lavi defeated her, and again during Moyashi’s initial encounter with the Apocryphos. Now that the Apocryphos had gone back to hiding for the time being, she must have revived herself the way Noahs annoyingly tend to do. Kanda tightened his grip on Mugen. If she knew about his past and had the ability to make him relive what happened back then, he wanted the hell away from her. 

The girl smiled up at him playfully, reading his mind. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve seen your memories once already, no fun in rehashing them, hmm? I think there’s an interesting mind in there more worthy of my attention,” she tittered, pointing behind Kanda.

Kanda whirled around, swinging Mugen in case someone or something had snuck up behind him. The doors on the wall behind him had all disappeared, leaving only a single unremarkable one. Humming, Road pranced past him and pushed it open. The room was completely dark, but at a snap of her fingers, a dim light flickered on in the center of the room, illuminating two figures slumped in a pair of matching red sofa chairs. One of them was a small-sized old man with a single thin ponytail on top of his bald head. Bookman’s black-rimmed eyes were closed and there were hundreds of new anxiety lines on his age-wizened face, but he appeared to have no fatal wounds. The slow rise and fall of his shoulders informed Kanda he was at least still alive. And the other figure was… 

When Kanda laid his eyes on the younger Bookman, he felt a numbing chill creep up on him. He had seen plenty of gore and violence in his time, but… _fucking hell_. Lavi’s glorious fire-red hair had been ruined beyond saving, some parts hacked short in an unruly manner, some left so long that they touched his collarbone, and some had been yanked clean off with bits of scalp, leaving bloody patches of scabbed flesh behind. Every inch of skin that was visible on Lavi’s neck, torso and arms were scored with half-healed or bleeding wounds and raw burns. He was little more than skin and bones; Kanda could easily count his ribs if he wished to. The fingernails had been partially ripped off his eight remaining fingers that were bent in awkward angles. His face was ghastly in its waxy hollowness, bearing no signs of the hyperactive liveliness that defined Lavi’s personality.

Kanda grimaced at the corpse of a person that he could barely associate with the redhead who had annoyed him for two years. _Torture_ , he thought with a sickened shudder. Why only him, and not the old Bookman? Kanda put his fingers on Lavi’s neck, searching for a pulse he thought he would not find… but surprisingly did. A faint, impossibly slow pulse. Not dead, but certainly dying, and quickly. Judging from the look of things, Kanda could tell that even if he got them out in one piece, Lavi might no longer be the same person he was before. This kind of torture could break any sane person. Kanda winced and stared venomously at Road. “What did you do to them? What do you want?” he growled.

“Me? I didn’t do anything!” The Noah beamed as if she expected praise for being so good. “It was the Earl and the others who played with them. They tried to crack open the old geezer’s mind for information on the Fourteenth and the Heart, but his mind and mouth were clamped shut like an oyster!” She giggled and made a clamping motion with her hands. “Gosh, was Daddy mad. So he decided to toy with his apprentice instead. To his credit, the tough old guy held his ground, even while he watched Junior being tortured every day. Not a peep of information from him so far, so his successor here is paying the price for his silence. I actually kinda like poor Lavi, since he was the only one who has ever defeated me before, but Daddy put his foot down on this. Such a shame.” She made a sympathetic noise as she licked her fingers.

The hand on Mugen tightened. “I’m getting them out of here, both of them.”

Road giggled and twirled her skirt around her. “You expect me to just sit and watch you waltz out of here? Sorry, but as much as I sympathize Lavi, I am one of the Noah family after all. Daddy will be so angry if I let you go just like that. But let me give you a chance. I’ll let you go if you agree to play a game with me.”

“I don’t have time for _games_ ,” Kanda hissed.

The Noah slipped behind the couch and laid her hands on Lavi’s shoulders. “I have to remind you, young Bookman here doesn’t have much time left either. Your only chance of keeping him alive would be to agree.”

Kanda’s eyes darted to Lavi’s face. Whatever stupid game it was, she was right. The rabbit looked like he was hanging on by a thread. Time was crucial for his survival.

“Fine,” Kanda finally agreed, “If it’s defeat you’re asking for, I can give you that.”

Road laughed in delight. “We’ll see about correcting that statement. You better hold on; this game is going to be a good and long one. Shall I give you a hint?" Floating closer, the Noah whispered: _"It involves killing Lavi."_ She put a finger on her lips and smiled. "When the time comes to make your first move, I'll come to you. Bye bye!” She spun around, and with another twirl of her skirt, and Kanda’s vision snapped to black.

*****

“Kanda!!”

Kanda opened his eyes, hitting the ground hard as his knees gave out. He wasn’t sure when he had blacked out, or if the conversation he just had was real. A small dark figure loomed over him, and Kanda grasped around for Mugen in panic until he realized it was old Bookman hovering over him. 

“Hurry up, boy, we don’t have much time,” said the old man hoarsely, helping Kanda to his feet. Kanda looked up and saw Lavi still in the same slumped position on the sofa, looking very much dead. The Noah girl certainly was not around anymore. Bookman leaned over Lavi and called his apprentice’s name, shaking him, but the younger man would not be wakened. From the look on his face, Kanda could tell the old man was not optimistic about Lavi’s condition either.

“We have to go, now, before the Noahs come back around,” Kanda said urgently. Bookman nodded with a serious expression and got to his feet, then helped Kanda raise Lavi into a sitting position. Several of Lavi’s limbs were broken, rendering them useless, and the bones jutted against the skin grotesquely. Carefully, they maneuvered the unconscious boy until he was draped over Kanda’s back. Kanda’s knees buckled slightly as he had used up some energy in the previous battle with the Akumas, but even though Lavi had previously been taller and a good few pounds heavier, he was now frighteningly light. With Bookman’s help, they made it out of the room and down the corridor as quickly as they could. 

“This way,” whispered Kanda to Bookman on the way back to the passage through which he had made his entry. The halls were now suspiciously empty of Akuma, and Kanda wondered if the Noahs had summoned all of their minions to the battlefront, or if Road was actually keeping her side of the bargain and letting him through. Without the need to sneak around, they made rapid progress towards their exit. Kanda noticed how hot Lavi’s body temperature seemed to be, scorching through the clothes on his back. Looking down, he saw that the redhead's wrecked nails had turned blue. One of the symptoms of deadly fever, he was sure. Lavi’s breath was shallow and labored in his ear. Spurred on by the redhead’s worsening situation, Kanda quickened his steps, his muscles screaming from exhaustion from the extra load. Beside him, he could hear old Bookman pant as he struggled to keep up. 

Once they had found the passage, Kanda could hear the whines of Akuma missiles and clashes of battle outside the building. The outer walls of the place were rumbling like a gigantic animal and sounded ready to collapse from the impact of the fight. When the three of them made it outside, Kanda looked up to see that the Exorcists were losing the battle and were only hanging on through sheer desperation. Lenalee was zipping through the air gracefully with her activated Boots and fighting Jasdevi head on with Noise, whereas Allen was predictably tangled in fierce combat with Tyki Mikk. Krory and General Tiedoll were thinning out the large Akuma crowd, one seizing the throats of Akuma in search of their blood, the other crushing Akuma to powder and casting a protective forest over those who had fallen back. All of them were worse for wear, mostly sustaining bad injuries that were being healed by Miranda’s Time Record. 

“Moyashi!” Kanda yelled at the white-haired boy in the sky. Allen nodded and summoned the huge gate that was the portal to the Ark. The other Exorcists quickly fled through it, retreating from the battle with the Noahs hot on their heels. Allen and Lenalee remained, keeping the Noahs at bay while Bookman and Kanda made for the Ark.

“Kanda, we can’t hold on much longer, hurry!!” shouted Lenalee, her face turned briefly towards Kanda behind her and not noticing that Tyki Mikk had left off his fight with Allen and was coming at her at a deadly speed.

“Lenalee!!!” the Exorcists shouted together in warning. She turned with a shocked scream, but it was too late to move away. Kanda braced himself to see Lenalee get killed before his eyes, but Allen threw Lenalee aside in the nick of time and hurled them both through the portal. Marie grabbed him and Bookman and pulled them through the Ark gate which immediately closed behind them, leaving them suddenly eerily alone in the pristine European road that was the interior of the Earl’s old Ark.

“Bookman, thank goodness you are alright… Lavi!!” Upon seeing the younger Bookman on Kanda’s back, covered in so many horrible wounds and scars it looked like an external layer over his expanse of skin, Lenalee cried out in anguish. She clamped her trembling hand over her mouth and reached out to touch the redhead's cheek, tears streaming down her face. “Oh my god, oh my god, how can they do this to him? These wounds... How long did they... He’s… he’s not _dead_ , is he?”

“He’s alive, but only barely,” Kanda said sullenly. The others stared at Lavi in horror, barely able to recognize him as well. They pressed closer as Kanda laid Lavi on the ground, all touching the damaged redhead in some way to reassure themselves that he was still alive. Allen and Krory were so furious, they looked ready to get up and go back to the Noah’s lair to settle the score with them, whereas Miranda was crying softly into Marie’s shoulder, too tired out from the battle to activate her Innocence for much longer. “The medical team will get here any moment now,” said Tiedoll, reassuring them in his usual fatherly manner. Bookman merely sat by the unconscious boy and kept a hand on his wrist, monitoring his pulse. The old man swept Lavi’s matted hair hair off his forehead in an unusual display of tenderness. His eyes were swollen and wet, and Kanda knew the old man was trying to atone for how he helplessly watched Lavi being tortured. 

In that moment, Kanda suddenly realized how loved Lavi was. No matter how annoying he was on a daily basis, chattering non-stop about baseless things and calling people flowery names, he wormed his way into people’s hearts, the way Kanda could never bring himself to do. Kanda’s heart twisted involuntarily with a mix of envy and sudden desire for the boy to not die. He grabbed Lavi’s stick-thin arm, squeezing it hard as if it would somehow pull him away from death’s door. 

"Listen to me, you little shit," he snarled in a low voice. "Don't you dare die after what I've gone through to get you out of there. If you do, no hell is going to stop me from dragging your ass back and kicking it. Everybody here wants you alive, even if you are the biggest moron I've had to put up with. Don't you fucking dare." 

Lavi’s skin was growing so fucking _cold_. 

A nearby door burst open, and people from the Order streamed through, led by an anxious Komui. The medical staff immediately crowded around, pulling the Exorcists away from Lavi as they began examining the young Bookman. Realizing there was nothing more he could do, Kanda let go of Lavi’s arm. It flopped lifelessly onto the ground as the many nurses and doctors blocked off Kanda’s view of him. “We need to get him to the emergency ward right now”, somebody shouted, and they loaded him onto a stretcher as other staff came over to look at the other wounded combatants. 

Emergency ward. The bastard is not dead. 

In a semi-daze, Kanda allowed a nurse to guide him away and start bandaging his injured arm as he watched the group of bustling medics disappear through the door back into the Order. As he turned to observe Komui making an extraordinary fuss over his beloved younger sister, Kanda suddenly felt that if he hadn’t been such a stoic person, he might have sort of laughed aloud in his relief (in a cynical manner, of course, and certainly not in a way anyone would notice). He wasn't sure why he cared about whether Lavi lived or not, but in his current state of light-headedness, he thought he could temporarily forgive himself for being a little more human than usual.


	2. Waking Up

A thousand ants, a thousand crabs, a thousand caterpillars. Crawling. Squirming. Watching.

Lavi couldn’t remember anything other than that, and the pain. That unbelievable pain that twisted his every fiber of his being when he was awake and haunted his sleep when he had fallen into the oblivion of unconsciousness. His supersensitive habit of taking in every detail made it a whole lot worse on him; even when Sheryl Kamelot was torturing him, tearing at his back with a Dark Matter whip, he could hear Tyki and Wisely talking in the next room about how Road has reawaken, and the worried mumbling of an unfortunate Akuma serving Wrath’s desserts in the hall outside. He noted that there were exactly seven candles in the room, with one burnt almost down to the wick, and eighteen cherubs painted on the dark ceiling. It has been seventy-four days and two or three hours since he was captured. 

He usually focuses intensely on the faraway sound of a clock ticking. Six hundred and twenty-one. _Whip._ Six hundred and twenty-two. _Whip._ Six hundred and twenty-three. _“Anything to confess yet, old man?”_ Six hundred and twenty-four. _“I can’t tell you anything.”_ Six hundred and twenty-five. _“I’m sorry to hear that, Bookman Junior.”_ Six hundred and twenty-six. _WHIP._ Six hundre…..

Only in the few seconds before fainting does Lavi finally let his senses register the blood and spittle dribbling off his chin, the sting of his flesh ripped and exposed, and his own screams multiplied in a dying echo.

After a long, long time of pain and darkness, there were different things. Things that sounded and felt both alien and familiar at the same time. Fingers sliding over his raw skin. Warmth, blessed warmth that he only dreamt of when he had been left freezing in cold stone cellars. Familiar voices talking, sometimes loudly, sometimes softly. Calling his name. Lavi. Lavi. Lavi.

_I must be dead. Thank God. Thank fucking God and all his angels. Finally._

He was in a place he hid in when he was alone in his thoughts. A place where he felt marginally safe from the world. His memories floated around him in images and sounds. A beautiful woman with chestnut hair, waving at him for the last time. A torn flag thrown over a pile of mangled bodies on a field of red grass. A single dew drop on a daisy petal on a misty morning. Bookman droning on and on about the war in Baghdad. Lenalee smiling at him. Memories, fresh and old, small details and significant events, rotating around him. He smiled at some, but frowned at others. He felt light and floaty. That is good. They say you see your whole life flash by just before you die.

Someone was there, in a sudden manner, like he’d just stopped by to say hi. It was sort of odd, cause Lavi had always been the only one there, but he knew that somehow, he didn’t mind Yuu being there.

_Lavi._

Was that his name? The most recent ‘him’? The one who was now dead? If he’s dead, then who was ‘he’, the one sitting there looking through his memories?

_I am not ‘Lavi’. ‘Lavi’ is dead._

_You’re not dead, stupid. Wake up._

“Head nurse, I think I just saw Lavi-sama…”

A ray of light shone into his eye, so blinding that it hurts to look at. “Hold on, I’m getting a pupil reaction. He’s conscious.”

“Lavi? Can you hear me? If you can, move your fingers. Here, just wiggle them. Don’t be scared, just try… Good, good, his index finger just moved a bit. Thank goodness. Lavi, you’re home and safe, okay? You’ll be alright. You’ll be alright.”

 _Alright._ He sank back into the cooling darkness.

When Lavi woke up for the first time in weeks, he found himself alone and surrounded by bright white light. At first he thought it was ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’, but then he truly woke up and saw that they were just the lights in the medical ward of the Order. About a thousand tubes and machines surrounded him, and he was practically mummified in bandages. Reaching up, he raised his respiratory mask and inhaled the familiar smell of antiseptic and clean linen. He’d been there a thousand times before to treat his wounds after missions, but right then, a bubble was swelling up in his chest. When it burst, Lavi put his face in his hands and, although it hurt his lungs like crap, began to sob desperately because he was somehow still alive.

*****

“How are you feeling today?” Lenalee asked, placing the basket of fruits on the table next to Lavi’s bed.

The redhead looked at her blankly. “I’m fine,” he said simply.

The smile slid off Lenalee’s face for a moment, but she pasted a fake one on and resumed in a forced tone, “That’s great, Lavi. Do you want fruit? How about an apple?”

“No, thank you.”

“Okay then.” Lenalee forced herself to sit down on the chair beside Lavi’s bed, even though her stomach felt queasy from the tension in the air. The redhead left off staring at her and started staring at his linen bed sheets instead. To her relief, the ward door slid open and Allen walked in with a small vase of flowers.

“Lenalee, you’re here too?” the white-haired boy asked. “I was helping the head nurse to change the flowers for Lavi. They were kind of wilting.”

Lenalee glanced at Lavi significantly. He was looking at both of them, but his eyes were unfocused, like he wasn’t even in the room with them. She shuddered and patted his hand, which was slung in a cast. “Lavi, Allen and I have to go and report to Ge Ge. We’ll come back later, okay?”

Lavi merely nodded, not even looking at her in the eye. Lenalee maintained her composure until she and Allen were outside the door before she grasped the younger boy’s arm tightly. 

“Allen,” she said in a shaky tone.

Allen’s grey eyes hardened. “I know. He’s like that when I’m around too. He doesn’t even smile anymore. I feel like he’s--”

“Not there,” finished the Chinese girl. “Like Lavi merely left his body that can speak and move here. I’ve never seen him like this before. He hasn’t flirted with me a single time since he woke up. I offered him an apple, Allen, and he said no. He used to love apples.” She tugged at Allen’s sleeve, her eyes wide and teary in fear. “Allen-kun, I’m so scared. I’m afraid Lavi’s never going to turn back to the way he was. What… What if he’s really broken inside and we’ll never find a way to reverse what they’d done to him? I’ve seen people go crazy from pain before, and they change forever. What if the old joking, flirting Lavi is gone and he’ll be like this from now on?”

Allen flinched in pain at the thought. He tenderly pulled Lenalee against his chest and held her hand. “Sometimes it takes time, Lenalee. People can get hurt so badly that they space out for some time, but some of them come back when they get used to the idea that they’re safe again. Lavi’s made of tough stuff. I don’t think he’ll break just like that. Somewhere in there, he’s probably fighting to come back. We can’t give up on him.”

“I want him back,” sobbed the girl in his arms, “I want Lavi to come back.”

“Me too, Lenalee. Me too.”

In the room, Lavi laid his head on the pillow, having heard everything outside the door thanks to his wonderful sense of hearing. His face was carefully void of expression. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled to himself, “but ‘Lavi’ is certainly not coming back for a long time yet.” 

All the time, _crawling, squirming, watching_.

*****

At first, he wasn’t sure whose eyes he was seeing through. When he knew he was asleep in bed, his body seemed to wonder around on its own. But he neither saw through his own eyes, nor spoke in his own voice. The accent was Chinese, he was sure of it. A Chinese man, older than himself, thick of body and new to the Order. It wasn’t long before an unfamiliar Exorcist called him by name.

Chaozii Han.

Lavi remembered little after that. It was all in little bits and pieces of flashing scenes. It was like he was floating ethereally outside of his own body, watching himself tug the tubes out of his arms and rise from the bed shakily. He could feel his teeth clenched and wounded muscles protesting the movement, but _he wasn’t doing it_. Everything was turning on and off like lights flickering in a dark room.

 _Flash._ He picked up the fruit knife from the bedside table.

 _Flash._ He was staggering down the dark hall.

 _Flash._ He was at a door of a bedroom, casting a long, hideous shadow over the floor.

 _Flash._ The knife plunged down, missing its target by mere inches.

“Lavi-sama?!!”

“I’m sorry, Chaozii,” he heard himself say in an uncaring, monotonous voice. “You’ve got the things in you too, and they’re _watching us_. Do you understand this?”

_Stop me. Will somebody please stop me? I can’t help it. This is not me. I don’t want to do this._

Chaozii wrestled with Lavi, his activated Innocence giving him strength to pin the redhead to the wall. “Lavi-sama, I don’t know what you’re saying! Please, don’t make me hurt you!” the normally timid Chinese man shouted.

“You know,” ‘Lavi’ replied coldly. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You can feel it, can’t you? I can see what you see, which means the Noah can see, too. They’re using you to spy on us.” _What am I saying?_

Chaozii recoiled, a look of horror on his face, and ‘Lavi’ knew he was right, and the new Exorcist knew there was something hidden in his body ever since he ‘recovered’. Chaozii’s eyes flashed in anger and denial. 

“Y-You’re wrong,” the Chinese man muttered more to himself than to ‘Lavi’, “You don’t know what’s going on. I’m perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. You, on the other hand, have been acting weird ever since you came back. It’s you who has something to hide, isn’t it?”

“You coward,” Lavi replied in a low growl. “You know, and yet you’re not going to tell anyone because you’re scared of being affiliated with the Noah. You’re going to get these people killed. You’re a threat I need to eliminate.” _No. Enough. Stop it._

Lavi raised the knife again. With an angry roar, Chaozii lashed at Lavi’s face, breaking his newly-healed nose. “Shut up! I’m perfectly fine! I’m not a Noah vessel!” He slammed Lavi against the wall again, knocking the redhead unconscious. After he let him go, Chaozii stood there in silence, staring until the other Exorcists came running to find out what the noise was about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny thing: Since I read the manga in Chinese, I thought Chaozii's name was Charles until i saw the English translations. I'm sorry.
> 
> If this chapter gave you a headache, good, because it gave me one. I tried experimenting with Lavi's psychological disorientation/personality disorder and Chaozii's parasites in this chapter. Please don't hate on poor Chaozii; he only hit Lavi in self-defense. He's a good man (I think). I'll try to get the third chapter up by the weekend. Cheers.


	3. Saying Too Little

Kanda had barely hung his scarf up on his clothing rack when there was a knock on the door. Opening it revealed Lenalee, whose bothered expression told him she was not merely looking for tea company. "What is it?" Kanda asked in a somewhat softer tone he often used with his childhood friend.

The Chinese girl pressed her lips together and fidgeted a little. "Kanda...is now a good time?"

"I just got back from a mission. It's as good a time as any. Again, what is it?"

"It's about Lavi."

Kanda paused in his movements. It had been two months since Kanda saved Bookman and Lavi from the Noah’s lair. He had seen Bookman since then because the old man shared a patient ward with him, but not Bookman Jr. According to the old master, who had only sustained minor injuries and some trauma, Lavi was still in intensive care and being closely monitored for changes in his condition. The doctors had put him off life support at some point, but he remained unconscious. Kanda rejected Lenalee and Allen’s repeated requests to visit the comatose patient with them. After Kanda was discharged from the ward (on his own terms despite the nurses’ incessant protests), he immediately imposed himself on a mission to Brazil with Marie to retrieve an Innocence that was hidden in the wine cellar of a pub in a town where people were aging backwards, refusing to let minor injuries be an excuse for being idle. 

One night, he had an odd dream of sorts. He was in some weird fuzzy place that had no definite tones, like mist shifting restlessly in a kaleidoscopic room of colours. Random bits of words and images he had never seen before flitted in and out of sight, giving him a headache. It was difficult to breathe normally, like the air was as viscous as glue. It felt like he was floating ethereally in the air than standing. More like, his brain was detached and floating, because he couldn't feel his body, as if someone had severed all his nerves. He should be feeling scared of this lack of control, but oddly, he wasn't. He was calm. He was floaty.

Sitting in the middle of it all was a certain redhead that should have been lying immobile in a bed, not sitting in a strange place, staring dreamily at nothing.

 _Lavi_ , Kanda wanted to call, but somehow his voice was muted, his mouth opening and closing in mimic parody. Lavi’s face turned to him distractedly. It twisted into an expression of grief and pain. 

_"I am not ‘Lavi’. ‘Lavi’ is dead."_ His voice was hollow and faraway, like he was talking through a wall of glass.

 _You’re not dead, stupid,_ Kanda said, his words swallowed and silenced by the oppressing air. _Wake up._

Lavi made a motion to get up, but he then _split into two_ like an optical illusion and one Lavi was then standing whereas the other Lavi sank back down, as if he had no energy to follow suit. Kanda stared back and forth between the two redheads in confusion. He felt like he did understand what was going on, but the realization was _just_ out of reach somewhere in the back of his mind, like the name of a long-forgotten schoolmate during an annual reunion.

The standing Lavi grinned widely and placed a hand on his doppelganger's shoulder. _"That's right, 'Lavi'. You just sit here and rest. Nothing will hurt you now. I'll take care of everything."_

Blackness pressed in like a dark fog, and the last thing Kanda saw was the other Lavi curling up and hugging his knees, every line of his body spelling out defeat.

Kanda woke up gently in his sleeping bag, feeling as though the world had constricted and was pressing on his heart. As he sat up, he cursed as a mild migraine started to pound on the inside of his skull. His body felt a little numb and disconnected, and he felt sort of... sad? The sensation was baffling. He couldn't make heads or tails of it. Why would he dream about the annoying rabbit, anyway? He didn't even particularly care how Lavi was doing. In fact, he was enjoying the peace and quiet without the redhead running noisily around the place. What’s this, some sort of weird dream thing like the one the Noah tried to put him in the last time? Was it connected to that 'game' that she was talking about? Feeling extraordinarily bothered, Kanda sat in bed and meditated for three hours into the dawn before calming down enough to fall back asleep. Since then, although he had no more dreams, his mind sometimes involuntarily grazed the memory and the implications it might have had during idle moments.

One thing was sure. He had a intuitive bad feeling that something was going to happen, and that something was going to involve Lavi.

"You'd better come in," Kanda said, opening the door wider to admit Lenalee. 

The girl nodded and sat timidly on a chair by Kanda's bed. He got busy heating up a pot of chamomile tea with his Japanese tea set, sieving the leaves and stirring with slow but sure efficiency. The mechanical, familiar movements helped him brace for what Lenalee was about to say. It somehow felt like whatever it was, he should not take it lightly. He poured two steaming cups and gave one to Lenalee, who accepted it with a quiet thanks. 

"So, the rabbit finally woke up?" Kanda asked, sitting on his bed. "What did he do this time?"

Lenalee set the cup down on her lap and stared at it. "Kanda, did you notice anything strange about Lavi when you were saving him that day at the Noah's lair?"

"No, he was unconscious the entire time. Why?" 

"He woke up about a week ago. Of course, we visited him frequently and all to help him. After what happened to him..." Lenalee hesitated, then shook her head slightly. "Anyway, he started acting really strange after that. He doesn't laugh or joke or smile any more. He doesn't even flirt with me like he always did. He speaks when he's spoken to and the rest of the time he just sits there like a broken doll and he doesn't look like he's even there!"

Lenalee paused, seeming startled that she had unconsciously started raising her voice in anxiety. She relaxed her tensed pose and lowered her head. "Allen-kun and I are both very concerned, but there's nothing we can do. We want to snap him out of it, really we do, but it's hard to push him when he seems so... vulnerable and broken and..." She sighed loudly and looked at Kanda. "Kanda, we're thinking that maybe you should talk to him."

Kanda's eyebrows knitted. "Me? I don't--"

Lenalee reached over to grasp his arm firmly, causing a little hot tea to spill over the brim of his cup onto the floor. "Please, Kanda! You're always arguing with him and stuff, and you're so emotionally tough, we think you could, I don't know, talk him out of it or bully him out of it, anything, anything to make him the way he used to be! And he- he tried to attack Chaozii for no reason the other night, and although Chaozii managed to knocked him out, Brother is worried that he might try to attack other people..."

Kanda stared at her. It sounded like the rabbit has really gone off his rocker. Lost his marbles. Was this the result of what the Noah did to him? Messed him up so badly that he'd gone off the edge of insanity? The Bookman apprentice was normally so goofy, it was not hard to imagine his smile turned into a manic one. Kanda has seen people go crazy before. A mental image of Lavi swinging an axe around, grieving for his destroyed Innocence and going on a murderous rampage before being stopped and killed by the other Exorcists with expressions of pity on their faces imprinted itself in his mind all too vividly. Even worse, Kanda could see his own face there among them, except his would not be a face of pity. He would see it as a necessity. He would not lose sleep over it. No. It would be a face of grim duty.

It would be the face he wore when he killed Alma many years ago.

"Kanda, please, can you try to talk to him? Please?"

The Japanese sighed in surrender. "I can try. I don't think he'll listen. The idiot rabbit seems to have terrible hearing."

Lenalee smiled a little at the unintended Kanda-style joke. "All we can do is try."

*****

Lavi was reading a book on gyroscopes when he felt something hard smack the side of his head. Rubbing the tender spot, he looked up and saw Kanda standing there, propping Mugen back into its scabbard.

Kanda's eyebrow twitched. Lenalee was not kidding when she said there was something wrong with the rabbit. Normally, he need only be in a ten-feet radius of Lavi for the redhead to perk his rabbit ears like some secret Kanda-radar, leap at him and shout _"Yuuuuuuuu-chaaaaaannnnnn!!!"_ like some retarded kid before getting a boot and the pointy end of a sword in the face. Now Kanda was standing right in front of him, and Lavi was looking at him like he was some damned next-door neighbor who came over for a cup of damned tea. The Japanese boy had to admit it was kind of unsettling. "Oi." And that was the end of Kanda's planned speech. He did not know what to say. He was never one for emotional talk or mental counseling. He looked away to hide his slight embarrassment at his speechlessness. It was a bad idea. A stupid idea. He was no psychologist! What was he to do, slap the rabbit a couple of times and see if some loose screws had been jostled back in place? Ugh. "Ahem." He tried again. "I heard that you've woken up." 

Lavi maintained a serious expression, but raised an eyebrow at him. _You don't say,_ mocked the eyebrow sarcastically. 

A bit ruffled, Kanda resisted making an outward sign of being even minutely unsure of himself. "I heard that you attacked Chaozii Han, too."

Lavi gave him an even look. "Yes, I did."

Kanda was not quite prepared for such a blatant admission. Lavi even looked like it was not his fault. He was either fucking good at acting, or was completely unrepentant of his crime. Kanda stared down at him. He noticed that Lavi's heavily-bandaged face and arms were still bony. A hospital garment that probably would have fit him just right before now hung loosely on his thin frame. On top of that, one of his wrists was secured to the railing at the side of the bed with a thick cloth strip. Kanda guessed that Lavi had not tried to leave the ward just that once since the incident with Chaozii Han. Kanda sat down on the chair by the side of the bed, his back ramrod straight as always. 

"Why did you do it?" he asked seriously.

Lavi's visible eye narrowed a little. "Lenalee sent you." It was a statement, not a confirmation.

"She's worried. Moyashi probably is too. Also probably Miranda and Krory and the idiots in the Science Department. You're avoiding my question."

Lavi closed the book in his hands quietly and stared down at it. "I don't see why you should make it your problem, Kanda."

Kanda blinked. Ever since Lavi discovered his given name, it has always been Yuu. Despite numerous death threats and chasing with Mugen in tow, the number of times the stupid rabbit called him Kanda over the years could be counted on one hand. It was weird. Lavi was dismantling him, and he hated the feeling. 

"You're right," Kanda said in his coldest tone. "I don't have to make it my problem. For all I care, it's fine for you to go crazy."

Lavi laughed bitterly at his book, the sound more like a sharp, sad sort of ha! than an actual laugh. "That's right. If I go nuts, you can finally make good on your promise to kill me, isn't it? You hate me anyway. You've always hated me. So you, _all of you_ , should just leave me the hell alone." 

"Even me?"

Both Kanda and Lavi looked up to see old Bookman approaching with a grim expression and a basket of apples. The old man stared intensely at his apprentice, who was forced to look away from the weight of the stare. Kanda rose to his feet, eyeing both Bookmen warily. He nodded at the older Bookman briefly and made to leave, except that he only quickly ducked behind a partitioning curtain just a few meters away. It was _not_ in his nature to eavesdrop, but, he reasoned with himself, if he did not have anything to report to Lenalee, she would most likely turn up again about the matter, and Kanda did not like his privacy repeatedly invaded even by her. 

"Are you going to turn away your old Master too?" Bookman asked in the authoritative tone of the old and wise.

"How would I dare do so, Master?" the apprentice replied reluctantly.

"You're not looking at me, boy. Have I failed to instill respect in you?"

"No..."

"Then will you kindly explain why you're acting so out-of-character, _Lavi_?"

Kanda could almost feel Lavi cringe at the emphasis on his alias. "...I cannot explain myself."

"I do not understand. Is this what you have come to after what happened? Have you slipped?" Kanda figured that the old man did not mean it literally, but as a figure of speech.

"No, Master, I--"

"Your intonation says it all. You are not talking like 'Lavi'. You are also not acting like 'Lavi'. 'Lavi' is and has always been a cheerful persona with a clipped pronunciation, not this."

Kanda's mind reeled a little. How could he have not noticed the changed pronunciation earlier? All this while, and the fucking rabbit was just _pretending_ to be annoying? It's all part of some Bookman act?

"..."

"You look like you have something to say. I hope for your sake that you have a good explanation for all this."

"...I'm tired. I'm tired of being a Bookman."

A horrible, heavy silence fell. The air itself was tense enough to make one feel nauseous. When old Bookman spoke again, his voice was low and murderous. 

"That will be the one and only time I will hear you say that, boy," he said, his voice dripping icy venom. "If you think I would go easy on you just because of what happened, you are gravely mistaken. I did what a Bookman had to do, and you know this. I did not train you all these years for nothing. If you don't clean up your act right now, we are leaving this place instantly." 

"Stop it." Lavi's voice was shaking. "I want to stop. I can't take it. I'm tired and scared as hell and just... done. I--"

The unmistakable sound of a hard slap. Enough to make Kanda's skin prickle a little.

"Enough. I will not hear of it. One more wayward word from you, and I will disown you as my apprentice. You will continue to be 'Lavi', just as you were 'Deak' and every other persona before that. You will not disappoint me again." 

With his almost feline slickness, Kanda slunk away from sight just as Bookman swept past him towards the door. Peeping around the curtain, he could see Lavi sitting completely still on the bed, cradling his swelling, bruised cheek with a pained expression. Kanda had heard more than he had bargained for. His departure was swift and silent.

*****

Kanda was still thinking about it as he showered that evening. He knew that the old Bookman was strict on his pupil, but never had he seen him actually _threaten_ Lavi like that in their two years at the Order. It made him feel somewhat sorry for the poor sod.

"Che!" Kanda mumbled to the white foam swirling down the draining hole. "That's what he gets for putting up that annoying act all along."

He had toweled off and was on his way back to his room when he spotted a shadowy figure shuffling suspiciously across the empty hall. It was one of those areas that were not frequented at night by Exorcists, Finders and Scientists unless they fancied freezing nighttime showers like Kanda did. The shadowy person walked painstakingly slowly and had a bad limp. Nobody he knew in particular walked like that. Silently, Kanda slipped up to it and pressed Mugen’s hilt into its back, causing it to jump and freeze. 

“Who are you, and where do you think you’re going?” asked Kanda in a low growl.

The suspect moved as if to bolt, and the Japanese man swiftly stepped on the end of its cloak, tripping it. It fell hard on its side and grunted in pain. Kanda recognized that voice. It was familiar voice. An annoying voice. What the hell? Kanda nudged the person onto its back with his foot. The hood fell partially away, pale moonlight revealing dark red hair and a thin face with fresh scars shining in the pale light. A single tired eye stared back at him.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” Kanda growled, glaring at the groaning rabbit. 

“Hello, Kanda,” Lavi croaked with a weak grin. 

Kanda could not help but notice the use of his second name again. "I thought you were supposed to be in the medical ward." 

“I gave the nurses the slip. It was easy to slip a little sleep-inducing drug into their drinks. Nothing that will knock them out more than two hours.” Lavi pushed to his feet and dusted himself off calmly. Kanda caught sight of a backpack and walking stick hidden within the shifting folds of the cloak. Alarm bells were sounding off in the back of his head.

He grabbed Lavi's arm. "Going somewhere?" he asked suspiciously.

“Actually, I'm leaving.”

Kanda stared at him, letting the seemingly nonchalant words sink in. “What?”

“I said I'm leaving,” Lavi repeated in that maddeningly calm tone as he shook Kanda’s grip off his arm. "As in, never coming back."

“You must be joking,” Kanda said incredulously. 

Lavi looked at him, his face dead serious. "Does it look like I'm joking?" he asked in deliberate slowness. 

Kanda bristled. “Do you think you can just waltz out of here? Have you really gone mad? Or did Bookman scare the pants off you?"

The redhead's expression hardened. "Think whatever you want to. I'm leaving anyway." 

"Che!" Kanda grabbed the front of Lavi’s collar, barely holding his fist back from the urge to punch the uncaring look off that bandaged face. "Look, I don't care if you've gone off your rocker or you're tired of being a Bookman or whatever. We need every single Exorcist that we can get to fight this war, and now you are just going to run away like a coward? Where’s your spirit? Just a little torture and they broke you? And you have got to be crazy if you think the Order is just going to let you bail. They’ll hunt you down like bloodhounds on a rabbit. You won’t stand a slice of a chance, especially in your condition.”

Lavi made no comment, but stared defiantly at Kanda. Reaching his boiling point, the Japanese man bit back a swear word and shoved the other man to the floor. He looked at Lavi with as much disgust as he could muster. 

“Fine," he said in his coldest tone. "Go the hell ahead. I have no time for idiots and cowards. Leave, and don't you fucking dare let me see your damned face ever again.” He spun on his heels and stalked away in fury. Let the dumbass burn. He was going to be recaptured by the Order's underdogs soon anyway, probably thrown into some jail or whatever they had done to Moyashi back then, and if the stupid bastard was not going to appreciate what Kanda had done to save his life, then fuck him. Kanda’s hands curled into tight fists at his side. 

“Kanda.”

There was something in Lavi's voice, like Kanda's name had just forced itself out of his mouth. Something that sounded like... penitence, or regret. However, Kanda was not one to forgive so easily. He hated Lavi, the annoying son of a bitch he was, and the sound of his voice was _sickening_ him. Pointedly ignoring Lavi, he walked without so much as a pause in stride.

"Just...I wish it did not have to end this way, either."

Too late now, asshole. Too fucking late.

"Goodbye."

Squaring his shoulders, Kanda continued to march away, hearing footsteps fading in the opposite direction behind him. Not once did he think of turning around. He reached his room, damned near kicked the door in, and flung himself onto his bed with an annoyed growl. Idiotic bastard! What would he gain by trying to defy the Order? Did he have a bloody death wish? Whatever! Kanda wasn't going to give a damn. People do stupid things in the face of the Holy War, and Lavi will only be one of many. Fucking spineless rabbit! Kanda buried his face into his pillow, willing his blood to stop boiling so he could go to sleep. _Fuck._ Why was he so affected by it? He pressed his fist against his forehead in a surge of inner rage.

If only the bastard hadn't said that last word in that tone. 

If only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry Chapter 3 took so long I practically grew a womanly beard. This comes from unstable internet times and even more unstable writer's emotions. The story is practically twisting itself out of my hands. I wish I was a more competent writer. If you enjoyed it, even a little, just a sentence or a word that I got right, I'll be very glad.


	4. Looking for a Rabbit

"Please, if you don't mind telling us again what happened that night, General Kanda."

Kanda glared sideways at the speaker, not bothering to hide the contempt in his eyes. He was forced to be in this meeting as a General, and he was hating every second of it. Not only did the Crows who stood as motionless as statues in the corners of Komui's office unnerve him with their immobile presence, but the room reeked of tension from having to face the impending task. At his side, Tiedoll, Komui and Bookman were rigid in their seats, their faces sullen. On the other side of the table, Leverrier glared at everyone with his hawk-like eyes, his thin eyebrows arched dramatically as if daring anyone to challenge his authority. The Inspector tapped his gloved fingers on the table surface impatiently, waiting for Kanda's answer. 

Kanda slowly fisted and unfisted his hands under the table, trying to keep himself under control. "I told you, Inspector Leverrier" he said with deliberate politeness. "Three nights ago, Bookman Jr. was on his way out of the Order in the dead of the night, and I bumped into him. When I questioned him regarding his motives for leaving, I found that torture had unhinged him and he had basically turned into a wimp with no backbone. Since Bookman Jr has no more Innocence to speak of, it can be said that he is no longer an Exorcist. I cannot say I have the power to stop him. Besides, a coward makes for a poor Exorcist. I let him do whatever the hell he wanted." Having justified himself, Kanda leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms indignantly.

Almost as soon as Kanda was done, Bookman spoke up. "I request permission to leave the Order to search for my missing apprentice and fulfill the remainder of my duties as a Bookman. I intend to leave by dawn."

The atmosphere seemed to become heavier as silence reigned. Kanda glanced from Bookman to Leverrier. He knew the Bookmen had special rights to come and go from the Order as they pleased, but now that the Apocryphos and the Heart was at large and the war was at its peak, he would not put it past the Vatican to force them to stay in the Order using whatever means necessary. 

Leverrier scratched his chin and calmly adjusted the knot of his tie just a touch, deliberately stalling for effect. A cruel ghost of a smile spread itself on his long face. "Yes, Bookman, you will be reunited with your apprentice soon and you will carry on with your Bookman duties," he said pleasantly. "However, you will also be fulfilling your duties as an Exorcist right here in the Order." 

The elderly Bookman stared at the Inspector coldly. "Need I remind you that part of our contract when--"

Leverrier held a hand up to cease the former's words. "I remember the terms of the contract very clearly, thank you. However, you need not go searching for your young apprentice. Hevlaska has prophesied yesterday that Bookman Jr's Innocence has not yet been destroyed and has likely even crystallized, therefore, he has become the property of the Order and will be sought after by the search parties that I will send to repossess him."

Everyone sat in stunned silence for a few seconds to digest the news, then Komui and Bookman jumped to their feet. "Inspector!" Komui protested, "When has this come to pass, why have I not been informed of this decision?" 

"Repossessed!" Bookman said angrily, "Inspector Leverrier, you can't just--"

Kanda clutched his palms in silent anger, ignoring the commotion around him. That bastard Lavi! He never mentioned this on his way out! There was now no doubt that Leverrier would hunt him down. He would be dragged back from wherever on earth he was now and probably be poked and prodded just like Kanda and Lenalee had been after their Innocence had crystallized, perhaps even more so if they thought he had new information on the Noah that Bookman would not reveal to the Order. It would serve him right. Kanda expected to feel pleased that the Bookman Jr. was about to get his just desserts, but somehow, he felt oddly bothered. _That's cause you hate the Order and everything they do bothers you,_ he told himself. 

Leverrier motioned for his comrades to calm down. "Think of it this way, gentlemen. If the boy still has his Innocence, it is dangerous for him to travel alone in his weakened state. There might be both Akuma and Noah after him. Re- ah, searching for him might save his life in the end, don't you think." The tone at the end of the sentence suggested that it was merely rhetorical and an answer was of no importance to the outcome of the discussion.

"Except it is never that simple, is it, Inspector Leverrier?" asked Tiedoll, who has been silent all this while. "We will never be allowed to know the ulterior motives of the Vatican. Are you really looking for Lavi purely to protect him and his Innocence?" 

Leverrier's eyes narrowed. He glared slyly at Tiedoll, who was glaring back intently behind his thick round-rimmed spectacles with an unreadable expression. Kanda knew that as a General, Tiedoll was not allowed to directly contradict Leverrier's orders, but he was wise enough to see the filthy greed of the Vatican. He was the only General to know the rules and break them when necessary, whereas Klaud Nine and Winter Solaco chose instead to stay as far away from the Headquarters as possible to avoid direct contact with the upper levels of the Order. If Kanda could, he would travel endlessly as Cross Marian once did too, if only it meant he did not have to see Leverrier or any Inspectors' goddamn face for awhile. At the moment, being a General and doing the Vatican's dirty work felt like something he had agreed to on a whim and was beginning to painfully regret.

"Of course it is to protect him, General Tiedoll," Leverrier finally said sardonically.

"If that is so, let me go look for him," Bookman said loudly.

"Yes," said Komui, "Let us send our own team out for him, you need not--"

"No," replied Leverrier firmly. "I will send my Crows after him. It is dangerous to leave the Headquarters open to another Noah attack if we send all our Exorcists on a search mission for one man. Besides, all of them are much too close to Bookman Jr." Leverrier's eyes swept briefly across the table in a scrutinizing manner. "Who's to say they won't let him escape, or even help him so we wouldn't find him? Not that I have no trust in our respected Exorcists, of course," he added in a sarcastic tone.

"You have no right to stop me from leaving!" Bookman exclaimed.

"Indeed, we don't, Bookman. However, Bookman Jr will be coming directly back to us. Every single Exorcist with a crystallized Innocence is crucial for our battle with the Earl of Millenium. We will examine him if his Innocence has evolved to that stage. I apologize for this ultimatum, but for now, Lavi is under direct supervision of the Vatican."

"Then let Kanda go search for him."

Everybody turned heads towards Tiedoll, who had removed his spectacles and was cleaning them on his sleeve cuff. He blew an invisible speck of dust off a lens and returned them to the bridge of his nose calmly.

Kanda stared at him. "Why does it have to be me?" he demanded angrily. "I just got back from looking for Moyashi-- Allen Walker, not long ago, _and_ I saved the Bookmen! Now you want _me_ to look for that brat?!" 

"Now now Yuu-kun, think about it," Tiedoll replied in a placating manner. "You are the only one who is not that close to Lavi out of the Exorcists, are you not? That solves Inspector Leverrier's issue with us being too personal with the escapee. Also, you are the only General around to do it; I have to stay in case of an attack, for my ability in a huge battle is much more useful than yours. With your speed, you cover a lot of ground in a short time. Besides, you were the one who let him leave. Think of it as correcting a mistake you made. I believe you are the most suitable one to embark on this search mission on our behalf. In the event that you find our enterprising apprentice Bookman, we trust that you will fulfill your duty and bring him back safe and sound, won't you?"

Tiedoll's eyes met Kanda's, and Kanda understood the meaning of his words. _Safe and sound. He's afraid that if the Crows find Lavi and he puts up a fight, they might seriously wound or even kill him, whatever it takes to get their hands on the crystallized Innocence._ Kanda broke the gaze and looked away. "Of course I will," he said sullenly. 

"Excellent!" Komui said as cheerfully as he could manage. "We'll feel much better about having more people search for him. Do you have a problem with this arrangement, Inspector Leverrier?"

The stolid Inspector, who had been listening with an expression of extreme suspicion, eyed them both warily. Realizing that he could not reject the proposition without outright admitting that he didn't trust the two Generals, Leverrier pasted a thin smile on his face and rose to his feet. "Of course I trust General Kanda. He is free to join the search as he pleases. My team of Crows will also be looking for the lost apprentice. Here's to hoping we will find him swiftly and without difficulty. Meeting adjourned."

As soon as the Inspector left the office, the nervous air seemed to deflate and everyone relaxed visibly. Komui sighed and looked at Kanda with a rather forlorn expression. "Look, Kanda, as I'm no longer your superior, it's not my place to make any comments, but... I hope you do what you think is right."

Kanda merely bowed and left the room with Tiedoll and Bookman in tow. Bookman immediately headed off in the direction of his room, seemingly overwhelmed by his own thoughts. Kanda sighed wearily and looked at his own previous master. When they reemerged from the Ark after his fight with Skin Bolic, Tiedoll had come running with a face smeared with snot and tears, rejoicing that his new apprentice was alive. Kanda didn't believe it at that time, but after Tiedoll's countless visits to the sick ward and calling him his "son", Kanda grudgingly came to accept that the old General did care deeply for his apprentices. Didn't Bookman also sport red eyes when he saw Lavi? 

As if he could read people's minds, Tiedoll said: "Bookman raised Lavi from young. He doesn't act like it, but Lavi is his son more than his apprentice, too. Deep down, he must be terribly worried about Lavi."

Kanda folded his arms indignantly. "Tch. How would you know? It looks to me like the old man just needs someone to carry on his legacy, that's all."

"Of course I would know. I was your master. I still care for you like he cares for Lavi. Call it a father's instincts, if you would."

"Tch. Why should it be me who has to go look for that idiot anyway? If I thought he was even slightly useful here, I would have stopped him from leaving."

The old General turned wise eyes to his ex-apprentice. "It has to be you, Yuu-kun, because after your return with Allen, Leverrier cannot deny your sense of duty. It has to be you because he won't let Lavi's friends look for him. Above all, it has to be you because more than anyone else, you understand how it's like when you're running from the Crows. The things they can do. How merciless they can be. You understand, and because you do, you know how much danger Lavi is in right now and how crucial it is to find him first. You have to officially bring him back so that we can ensure Leverrier doesn't hide him and secretly experiment on him behind our backs."

"Yeah? And what makes you think I won't just heft him back here and throw him to the mercy of Leverrier anyway?" Kanda shot back crudely.

Tiedoll smiled warmly at him over his shoulder before he walked away. "Because I know you'll save him, Yuu-kun."

 _"You're dead wrong"_ , Kanda wanted to say after his former master, but he had a feeling Tiedoll would just smile his secretive smile and carry on like all wise men do.

*****

It was hardly dawn, and the sky still sported stars that refused to rest. Kanda stood at the top of a hill, dressed in sensible traveling clothes, carrying a backpack holding a month's provisions and Mugen wrapped up carefully in a cloth sleeve beside it. He watched the horizon change colours idly, thinking of the night before.

_"Kanda, you'll help Lavi if you find him, won't you? Please? I'm worried about what has happened to him, he doesn't seem like he'll run away without a reason..."_

_"Bakanda, if you find Lavi first, knock him out for me and drag his stupid butt back here before the Crows get him, got it?"_

_"Kanda, I-I may be just a useless scientist, but you helped me find Allen, didn't you? T-That tells me you're a good person. Please help Lavi get back safely..._

_One by one, Kanda waved them away. He hated people begging him. As if it wasn't bad enough, when he was just done packing in the dead of the night, he answered a knock on the door to find old Bookman at his doorstep. As soon as he entered Kanda's room, he folded his small old bones into a humble bow on his knees._

_"Kanda.” Bookman’s eyes lifted to meet the young man's. His expression was a tight mask, but his black-rimmed eyes betrayed his inner turmoil and desperation. “I raised him, and he only ever runs away when he’s hiding something he thinks will worry me. I fear he’s in grave danger. If you manage to find him… please, help him."_

Well, how was he supposed to say no, even though he wasn’t sure how exactly he was to help Lavi? Kanda rubbed his hand across his face and watched the sun make its way up in a sleepy crawl, dragging with it a streak of golden-red that spread over the sky like watercolour. Strangely, it brought a vague memory of fiery red hair to his mind. A single drop of sweat tracked down the side of Kanda’s neck from the rising heat. Gods. He had a feeling it was going to be a long journey, and he hadn’t even taken the first step yet.

*****

“That would be seven and twopence, handsome.”

Kanda fished the money out of his purse, ignoring the cleavage that the busty shopkeeper was purposely flaunting in front of his eyes by practically pressing her bossom onto the countertop. “Are you new to town? I’ve not seen you around. I’m certain that I would have noticed a good-looking one like you anywhere,” she continued as she rang up the cashier and handed him his change.

“Che.” Kanda picked up the groceries on the counter. A sense of déjà vu smacked him on the head; how many times did he get picked up by women (and men) during the search for Moyashi just a few months ago? It was getting really annoying. “Have you seen a young man, red hair and an eyepatch over the right eye?”

“A young man huh~~~” The girl twirled her braid as she thought it through. “I can’t say I’ve seen such a fellow, no. I would have remembered a new guy, especially if he had red hair or an eyepatch. Those are things that a girl would notice, you know. Do you want me to keep an eye out for him?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Okay then. Come back again sometime, cutie!” called the girl after him, and the door closed behind him with a tinkle as he stepped out onto the street. It was a small, sleepy town, and even though it was early in the evening, a scant few people were on the main street, most of them dusty folks either dragging their weary bodies home after work or standing around idly chatting about crops and the weather. Kanda thought that it would be an ideal place for a shady guy on the run to hide. Maybe not.

The local inn was small, cramped and had only two floors. A bored-looking man with a pencil moustache sat at the front desk peeling oranges and reading the daily paper. He looked up when Kanda came in, but his hands somehow kept peeling, miraculously not cutting himself with the knife. “Good evening, lad,” he greeted gruffly. “What’s it gonna be?”

Kanda laid a few coins on the counter. “Room and breakfast for one. I’ll be gone by midday tomorrow.” As the man started to count the coins, he added, “I’m looking for somebody.”

“A woman? Sorry kid, no brothel in these parts.”

“No, I’m looking for a young man with red hair and an eyepatch over his right eye. Slightly taller and bigger than me.”

“Ain’t seen no such young man…. hmm.” The innkeeper paused, his finger tapping on a gold coin he was counting, his eyebrows knitted. He glanced up, and Kanda understood the look in his eyes. He flicked another two coins in front of the man, who swept it up greedily and ducked his head in a conspiratorial manner, even though the inn was empty besides them.

“You know, the only new characters around here are an old farmer, a young family and a man,” the innkeeper confided in a whisper. “This man I speak of is suspicious, you know, wears a hooded cloak and all. He only got here last week, so I haven’t seen him much, but he may have red hair and an eyepatch under the hood for all I know. He lives just upstairs, in Room Two, and he’s in right now. Do you want a key?”

 _Finally, something._ Kanda rubbed the back of his neck wearily. “No, it’s okay. I’ll go talk to him.”

“Alright, just don’t do something real crazy like kill him or rob him, boy. I have my business to take care of. Whatever you’ve got with this guy, take it outside if it gets violent. You heard none of this from me.” With that, the man dropped his gaze and continued to peel his oranges, looking for all the world as if he never had the conversation a second ago. Kanda ascended the narrow stairway and came to the second door in a hallway that only had four. Bracing his hand on Mugen’s hilt, he knocked.

The door opened and a dark face peered out, hidden within the shadows of a hood. “What is it?” the man asked.

The tone was deeper than Lavi’s, but could he be faking it? “Is that you, stupid rabbit?” Kanda asked quietly.

“I do not know who you're talking about. Please leave.” The man tried to shut the door, but Kanda pushed against it, bursting into the room. He kicked the door close behind him and turned on the lights, illuminating a small room with a simple bed, table and wardrobe. The startled man made to strike him with his bare hands, but Kanda easily dodged the blow and reached out to throw the hood back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the uncertain fic continues. I just realized that Chapter 3 looked like an ending. Sadly to say, I will continue to wallow in this thick bog, trying to find my direction in this work. Thank you very much for the ten or so kudos. Yes, there will be angsty smut, but probably not so soon. Hopefully Chapter 5 will come to me easier. Cheers.


	5. Finding Oneself in a Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I lost my pre-written Chapter 5, which is why this really did not come easy to me. Again, thank you for kudos/bookmarks and comments, they are much love and I appreciate every single view. Please do continue to follow this humble series by bookmarking it!

He ended up being the surprised one. Panting, Kanda had to squint at the unfamiliar face for a few seconds to focus. The man had dark skin and dark brown hair that was cropped short military-style. A day-old beard peppered his thick jaw lightly. Both of his eyes were brown and wide-eyed at the shock of the Japanese youngster currently manhandling him. As hard as he looked, Kanda could not see any reason to believe that this man was in fact Lavi. _There's just no way he can be this good at disguising himself_ , he thought in disgust, releasing the trembling stranger who immediately jumped away from him and threw his hands up in self-defense. "Who the hell are you!!" the quivering man demanded. 

"Che! You're not the guy I'm looking for. Sorry." With a half-assed apology, Kanda let the insults and threats emanating from his victim bounce off his back as he exited the room and shut the door. 

Once downstairs, he threw the innkeeper a dirty look. "You," he said, drawing Mugen's scabbard to point directly between the older man's eyes, "I said taller and bigger than me. That man up there is clearly my height, if not shorter. Do you not have eyes, or should I check them for you?" he asked threateningly, his sapphire eyes hard as steel and pooled with murderous intent.

"M-Maa, i-i-i-i-is he? I had n-n-n-no idea!! It must be age, you see, I c-can't see as well as I u-used t-t-to!" The beet-red innkeeper hopped up from his oranges and the coins he was counting and retreated to the back of the counter, anxious to put as much distance as he can between himself and the aggressive young customer. "T-Too bad he's not the o-one you're looking for! I-If there's a-anything else I can help you w-w-with..."

With great difficulty, Kanda reigned in his urge to paint the inn's walls with its owner's blood. He was sick and tired of wild goose chases, just _sick. I swear, if I don't find him in the next three days, I'm going back, fuck Bookmen and Generals and sniffling Exorcists all._ "You said there were other people new in town." 

"Y-Yes? Erm, erm, there's a nice young family with two young kids, and an old farmer called Seb or something or other."

Neither of these sounded very promising to Kanda. Still, he supposed there was no harm in checking both of them out. "Tell me where they live."

"The young family, the Kirklands I believe their name was, they live right down the street on Willow Lane, fourth house from the red postbox. Seb lives alone at the carpenter's lodge at the outskirts of town. He's only just passing by, as harmless as a bug, I don't think he's whoever you seem to be looking for."

"That's none of your business," snapped Kanda. "If any of this stuff you're telling me is bullshit, I'll have your head hanging over the door of your precious inn by dusk tomorrow. Am I understood?"

The innkeeper shuddered and gulped loudly. "Y-y-yes?" he managed to squeak, quite impatient for Kanda to just leave already.

With a huff, Kanda stepped outside into the chilly evening air. A light mist hovered a few inches off the road, casting a ghostly blanket over the sleeping town. It was quiet save for the gentle clacking of wooden wheels over moist earth and faraway crying of a baby seeking a comforting nipple. Overhead, the skies were splashed with long streaks of dark blue and indigo, and the few visible stars twinkled secretively. The peace is a natural lullaby. Sighing, the Japanese mulled the consideration of throwing in the towel for the night and soaking his travel-sore bones in a long hot bath back at the inn over in his mind. It was tempting, but not as tempting as getting the entire thing over with as soon as possible. Kanda hiked the collar of his cloak higher to fight the cold and set out.

He went to check out the family on Willow Lane first. A warm orange light emitted from the windows of the small house. Kanda easily hauled himself over the small wooden gate and crept up to one of the windows. Through the curtains, he could see people inside sitting at a table, probably having their supper. There was the smell of potato and flour, the sounds of soft talking and merry laughter of children. It was obvious that Lavi was not there. Kanda leaned against the window frame and closed his eyes. The warmth from the house and sound of happiness washed over him, lulling him into a drowsy state. He felt the hardness in his heart and body melt a way a little with the comfort.

_A family... I wonder how it feels like... warm and safe and gentle..._

The sensation of his eyes prickling shook him tenderly from his daze, and Kanda sniffed in mild embarrassment while wiping the back of his hand across his nose. He hadn't felt so sentimental in awhile. _Pull it together,_ he told himself in annoyance. _There is work to do._

Silently, Kanda crept back across the lawn and over the gate. He hadn't taken three steps in the other direction when he heard a soft thump behind him. Turning quickly, he saw a man wearing a straw hat and overalls standing over a grocery bag that had fallen on the ground, spilling red apples over the hard dirt. The man stood shell-shocked for a few moments, then hastily bent to pick up his groceries. By the dim illumination of a nearby street light, Kanda could see white hairs poking out from under the hat. Just an old man who probably got a little spooked by the sight of Mugen in its wrap. Still, the night had fallen rapidly and it was now rather dark. For all he knew, the old man would suddenly turn into an Akuma and rush at him with barrels unloading. Not taking any chances, the Japanese took a step closer, his hand reaching for his katana under his cloak. With a start, the old man gathered the last of his apples, turned tails and limped away like his life depended on it. Kanda stared at his retreating form in the darkness. 

There's something... off.

_That old man is walking way faster than a normal old man should._

"Hey!" Kanda called out, but the old man only increased his pace. Growling, Kanda began follow him. The faster he walked, the faster the old fart limped. When the man glanced backwards and saw how close Kanda was to catching up, he suddenly made a sharp left and ducked into a dark alley. _Shit, he's trying to lose me! Sly old fox!_ Kanda sprinted to the end of the alley and came up only to a black wall of solid brick. Cursing beneath his breath, he braced himself and leapt onto the top of a nearby roof. It didn't improve his visibility by much, but he managed to make out a dark silhouette scurrying down the next street. He gracefully jumped onto the next roof, knocking a few tiles loose and nearly tripping. That moment's distraction gave the old man time to disappear again. 

And so the chase was on. Every time Kanda got close enough to nab him, the old man skillfully used the darkness to his advantage and managed to avoid him. Before long, they reached the edge of the small town. The roads opened up to a clearing in front of a forest, where several quaint wooden cabins were built. Huge straight-cut lumber were stacked next to the fences, marking the cabins as loggers’ abodes. Kanda arrived just in time to see the door of one of the cabins slam shut. 

All was dark and silent as the night held its breath. Kanda slunk up to the front door. It was almost too quiet. What if it was some sort of Akuma trap he was walking into? Just to be cautious, he unsheathed Mugen and stepped closer to the door. He could feel the person inside waiting. To kill him? Or to talk? There was only one way to find out. 

“Lavi?”

It came out softer than he had intended. During the ensuing silence, Kanda could hear only the faint creak of crickets and night creatures in the woods. He felt incredibly stupid, crouched in front of a cabin in the middle of nowhere in the moonlight, talking to a door. Maybe it really was another false alarm, and he had scared the wits out of some old woodcutter who was wondering why the hell a man with a sword was chasing him to his doorstep. Kanda waited for a minute, and just as he was fairly certain he had made yet another dumb mistake, the door opened and a hand swung out to pull him into the dark house. 

The door slammed shut behind him, and Kanda found himself in complete darkness, standing in close proximity with somebody or something that may or may not be dangerous. He stumbled backwards until his back was against a wall. When his eyes finally adjusted to the dark, he pointed Mugen at the figure, his muscles tensed in anticipation of a battle. The person sighed hoarsely and turned around to light a small lantern on a wooden desk covered with papers. By the light, Kanda saw that it was the same old man, alright. The old man shifted his face, and looked up at the Exorcist with a tired eye.

A single, green eye. 

"B-Baka usagi?"

Wordlessly, the old man removed his hat and white wig. Underneath those props was a head of short orange-red hair and a closed right eye. He scrubbed at his face on his sleeves, smearing some of the fake tan and age lines that were applied with makeup, leaving only fair and young skin. The man ripped off his fake mustache, then straightened his back and squared his shoulders, and just the small change in posture made him a little taller than Kanda, though he was no less bony. Kanda was rendered speechless, and Mugen fell slack at his side as he struggled to believe what he was looking at. _'There's no way he can be this good at disguising himself,' I thought. I was grossly underestimating this bastard's resourcefulness._

“Why are you here, Kanda?” Lavi asked wearily, as if he didn’t have the energy to deal with his old friend being there. Everything about him looked defeated, as if the life had been sucked out of him and he was eighty instead of eighteen. If anything, he looked even thinner and more frail than he had when he first ran off, though the scabs near his face had now turned into shiny scars. Gods, what happened to that annoying rabbit who once had so much life in him it practically spewed from his orifices? Kanda felt himself twitch with irritation.

“The Order sent me after you, is why I’m here,” the Japanese replied coldly. “I’m supposed to drag you back, because the Order still owns you and wants their little dog back. I’ve been given orders to kill if you refuse to submit.”

Lavi laughed bitterly, his hoarse voice the only thing that remained of his old-man disguise. “Good old Black Order. Good old Leverrier. I bet they can’t wait to get their hands on me alright. I would make such a good guinea pig, even if I have no more Innocence. Some tainted treasure touched by the dark fingers of the Noah. And it’s just my luck to bump into you in the dead of the night.”

“I would have come looking for you either way. The innkeeper told me there were a few newcomers in town, and you’re on the extremely short list.”

“Did you really think I would be hiding in some little inn? Don’t you know that in every story, the mysterious convict passing town stays at the inn and gets caught in a snap? Sorry, but I’m not that kind of idiot.” Lavi gave him a ghost of a smile.

Kanda swept his hand around the cramped room. “So this is your grand plan? Living out the rest of your life as some old man in a cabin in the woods? If you do have brains, use them, because the Crows will be here very soon and you won’t be able to give them the slip.”

The redhead winced. “I won’t be here for long. I’m leaving for another town tomorrow. I’ll go wherever it takes me to get away from the Order’s eyes. As you can see, I know how to hide. Are you planning to take me back by force?” he asked, his face lowered and voice in a whisper.

 _Is the asshole trying to act all pitiful and shit now?_ Kanda wondered, his nerves still on an edge. “That's what Tiedoll sent me for. The Order is not only after you because they want to experiment on you. Hevlaska thinks your Innocence is still around, and may have crystallized. That means once the Crows get here, they'ld rather have you dead in their grasp than alive outside of it."

Lavi stared at him incredulously and thrust his hands out before him. “Well then, where the fuck is it?” he asked, suddenly angry. “If Oodzuchi Kodzuchi is still safe, then why the hell did I watch Sheryl Mikk crush it right before my eyes?!”

“How the fuck would I know?!” Kanda snapped back angrily, “I’m just here to haul you back, I don’t know what happened to your damned Innocence! As for the Crows, they won't give a damn for your excuses either! For all I care, I should just let them get you, or kill you myself. I could personally bring your head back and tell them some Akuma or the Noah killed you. Everyone could pretend you had your own fancy reasons for leaving and at least give you some respect you don’t deserve. In their memories, you won’t be a coward. The Order is satisfied, nobody gets experimented on, and everybody is happy.” The idea was so appealing that Kanda rested his hand on Mugen’s scabbard for an instant.

Lavi eyed Kanda’s hand with a ponderous expression. “Do it,” he said in a monotonous mutter. “You’re absolutely right. Do it.”

There was a pregnant silence as Kanda stood immobile, unsure if he was actually being challenged here. Lavi put his hand over Kanda’s and pressed the sharp edge of the blade over his throat, his expression dead serious. “Kill me, Kanda, and put an end to all of this.”

Confused, Kanda drew his hand back a little. _He’s actually pulling on the blade with just enough force for it to possibly, really cut into his throat. The fucker isn’t playing around._ “Lavi?” 

The redhead cringed and clutched his chest. “Don’t call me that,” he growled. “’Lavi’ died when I left that night. There is no more ‘Lavi’, no more ‘Exorcist’, no more ‘Innocence” as far as I am now concerned. I left that all behind. Now, if you are not going to kill me, please leave.” 

Lavi started to push Kanda towards the door. The Japanese snarled in dark fury. “Wha-- This is it?!” he shouted, “This is how you repay me, you little--” Unable to reign in his temper, Kanda punched the other man in the face hard enough to leave a large bruise. Lavi staggered but continued to shove Kanda. 

“You said you never wanted to see my face again! Now I’m getting the hell out of your face, like you always wanted! Happy now?!”

Kanda threw Lavi’s hands off himself in disgust. “Yes! Now that you’re gone, life will be a lot more peaceful! No more annoying bastard pulling pranks on me! You’re right, I’ve always hated you, and now you’re proving me right for doing so! I don’t care if the Crows tear you from limb to limb!”

“Good! Now go! Hurry up and … go… I… ugh…”

Kanda’s eyes widened as the redhead doubled over and crumpled to the floor, fisting the fabric of his shirt right over his chest. His expression had turned into one of intense fear, and he suddenly looked pale and sweaty. He reminded Kanda of some wounded, frightened animal about to be butchered for meat.

Lavi’s eye swiveled up to meet Kanda’s. “Don’t,” he panted brokenly, “Shouldn’t… have to… see…” His body spasmed with a sudden violence, and Lavi actually _screamed_ in horrific pain, his forehead pressed hard against the wooden floorboards. 

“W-What the hell?” Kanda stuttered, wondering if this was some ploy to trick him into sympathy. No, it couldn’t be, Lavi wouldn’t have been trying to get him to leave otherwise, and when he screamed again amidst harsh gasps and pained groans, it was too real, no matter how good he was at acting. Kanda knelt beside him for a better look, and realized that Lavi had sunken his teeth into his own forearm to muffle his screams. Blood ran in small rivulets down his pale skin made paler by moonlight. The redhead was sweating hard and panting between bouts of agony.

“Shit, idiot, what’s going on?” Kanda asked, bewildered.

Lavi did not reply, but began choking. For a moment, Kanda feared that Lavi had bitten off his own tongue, but he turned his face aside and spat onto the floor in between them. 

Blood. A few mouthfuls of it. The coppery smell hit Kanda, and it was impossible not to think of death. Thinking quickly, Kanda ripped up one of Lavi’s bedsheets and slipped a piece of cloth between his teeth to act as a bit. Lavi almost didn’t seem to notice he was still there, too caught up in the pain. Kanda couldn’t think of any possible injuries that could do something like that, but… He hastily unpegged the top of Lavi’s overalls and cut the back of his sweat-soaked shirt apart… 

Under the dim light from the window, Kanda caught sight of something on Lavi’s exposed back. His eyes were playing tricks on him. He thought he saw a slight bump near the ridges of Lavi’s arched spine, but in a blink of an eye, it was gone. In another moment, it reappeared and it was—it was— _Is… Is something fucking **moving** under his skin? _ Cold sweat broke out on Kanda’s skin, and he drew back in fear and terror. He could feel his skin crawling.

_Shit, what did the Noah do to him?_

*****

The rest of the night did not go easily for both Exorcists. For the better part of the next three of four hours, Lavi was screaming himself hoarse and moaning softly when his voice was gone. He only spat and threw up a little blood every now and then, but collectively it must have been a significant amount. Kanda thought of covering him with a blanket because he was shaking so badly, but he was sweating bullets and in the end, the Japanese man just stripped him of his overalls and torn shirt. Feeling at a loss of what to do, he could only sit back and watch Lavi whimper. Kanda was no stranger to pain, but to see someone he was so familiar with in such agony… it unsettled him. Maybe it was that emotion they called empathy, but his childhood memories filled with pain came crashing back to him and he felt six again, just a little kid facing an enormous burden of pain that he had no idea how to shoulder. 

Finally, whatever that was happening abated and Lavi’s groaning died away. He fell asleep on the hard wooden floor in exhaustion, breathing uneasily and twitching. Kanda lifted Lavi awkwardly and laid him on the bed with a gentleness that surprised himself. Guess he kind of didn’t want to see the rabbit in more pain than he’d just been through, though he would never admit it out loud. Although he was dead tired himself, Kanda soaked a towel in a basin of cold water and laid it on Lavi’s forehead. Since the only chair was just a wooden one that promised to be uncomfortable, Kanda took off his coat, sat down next to the door with Mugen in his arms and immediately fell into the sleep of the dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this part is basically where the fic gets really angsty, obviously. I apologize if I could not describe the pain as vividly as it should have been. Agony is not something I'm very familiar with and I can only vaguely imagine that it's akin to kidney stones, for whoever has had the misfortune of having kidney stones before can imagine.  
> In the next chapter, Kanda and 'Lavi' ('s alternate personality) do some male bonding and discuss the thing Lavi's going through, which I am very sure you know is what by now. More people come after Lavi's ass and he and Kanda take off into the evening sky on a magic carpet. Likey?


	6. Holding You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'ld like to say, HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!! *throws confetti, waves flag, lifts beer bottles and all that celebratory stuff* I hope 2015 treats everyone kindly as well <3  
> To see the beginning of this new year, how about some angst? 8D  
> //I'M REALLY SORRY IF I MADE IT TOO ANGSTY SOBSS I DID NOT MEAN IT IF I MADE YOU SAD SO EARLY IN THE YEAR AND ON TOP OF IT THERE IS NO PLOT DEVELOPMENT IN THIS CHAPTER PLEASE FORGIVE ME I PROMISE NEXT CHAPTER WILL HAVE SO MUCH FLUFF COMING OUT OF MY BUTTHOLE///

Dawn settled a little reluctantly over a small slumbering town and shook it to wakefulness with gentle hands. The farm hands were already done with the morning’s milking before everyone else was up. They took the curry combs to the cows as shopkeepers sipped at piping hot coffee and read the daily paper. Field hands lost themselves in endless rows of corn with buckets balanced precariously on a pole upon their shoulders and children raced each other to school. Subtly, the town came to life.

On the edge of the forest, in a small log cabin, dust motes danced in soft rays of morning sunlight while one man was woken by another.

Kanda could barely pry his eyelids open. It was his lifelong habit to be out of bed before sunrise, but after tiring missions, he allows himself a bit of leeway. Although he had only travelled for the first half of yesterday, he felt a bit of familiar strain from mental stress, lack of sleep and lack of a proper bed to sleep in. He held his lightly throbbing head and looked around him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked a certain guy who had woken him by trying to get out of bed and ending up on his hands and knees with a loud thump instead.

Lavi’s single eye was half-closed with fatigue. His pale lips moved, but no sound came out of him. He coughed and tried again, this time managing to whisper hoarsely. Kanda moved over and leaned close.

“Leaving,” Lavi croaked simply.

The other man smirked. “Yeah, I see you’re achieving great success with that, dumbass.” 

“I’m not asking for help.” 

“I’m not offering any.”

“Just… leave me alone.”

“I’ve been asking you to leave me alone for two fucking years. Now you expect me to do what you say at a snap of your fingers? You’ve got another thing coming.”

“You don’t—“ Lavi’s words were interrupted by a harsh bout of coughing. Kanda got up, picked the redhead up by the back of his shirt and flung him bodily back onto the bed, ignoring the grunt of pain it elicited from Lavi. Finding a jug of water and a glass nearby, he poured himself a glass of water, gulped it down and refilled it. He thrust the glass at the other man. “Drink up. I have questions, and you’re going to answer them, whether you like it or not.”

Exerting himself, the redhead tried to get off the bed, but a Japanese man pressing a very sharp katana to his throat stayed his actions. Glaring at Kanda, he reluctantly lay back down and drank the offered water. Kanda pulled a wooden chair up next to the bed and sat down. For the next few moments, both of them were awkwardly silent in thought.

“What happened to the annoying idiot?” Kanda asked quietly. 

The question seemed to take the former Bookman apprentice by surprise. He flung his arm over his eyes, as if to shield out the weak sunlight, even though Kanda was sure he was trying to hide his expression. “Which annoying idiot?” the redhead asked innocently.

“You know what I’m talking about, you bastard. Don’t play dumb. You yourself told me last night. You’re not him. Lavi doesn’t talk like this, and he doesn’t call me Kanda either. If you were him, you would never have the guts to leave the old panda, and you would probably be clinging onto me for all you’re worth now. That’s the kind of goof he is.”

“I’m really flattered that you pay so much attention to me, _Yuu-chan_.” Although he was smiling, the tone was bitter and devoid of humour.

“Don’t fucking call me that. Tell me what’s going on, or I swear I’ll cut you.” To emphasize his threat, Kanda pressed the cold blade harder into Lavi’s skin.

Lavi sighed heavily. “’Lavi’ is just one of my many personas. My forty-ninth persona, to be precise. He’s a complex mask I put on on my way to the Order. He’s me, yet he’s not the real me. He’s really tired from playing with the Noah, and I thought it was a good opportunity to come out and have some fun of my own while he rests. Don’t tell me you’re starting to miss him, now.” His sardonic grin widened on his face.

Kanda felt his face twitch in irritation. “Che! Over my dead body. This whole multiple personality thing sounds like bullshit to me.”

The grin on the younger man wavered. “Yeah? You try consciously emptying yourself of emotion every single second of your life, completely changing your name and your personality and leaving behind everybody and everything you just got comfortable with every few months, and tell me you don’t get screwed up the same way.”  
The dark-haired samurai glanced at his ex-comrade. Lavi’s tone had genuinely hardened for the first time since they met again and the smile was definitely forced now, just pasted there because the carrot head didn’t want to deal with his emotional Bookman shit. Somehow, it gave Kanda no small measure of satisfaction to finally shake him like that. Think of it as payback for how the idiot has been getting on his nerves ever since the Noah incident. 

“What happened last night?”

The arm lifted enough to reveal a single green eye staring intensely at Kanda. “I’m under no obligation to tell you.”

“No, but you’re under my sword, so you will tell me.”

“I would rather you just kill me.”

“Trust me, it’s very tempting, but I have a task at hand.”

“If you’re not going to kill me, and you’re not going to drag me back, then…”

“I can only help you get just far enough to evade the Crows for a few more months. You’re on your own after that.”

Lavi chuckled in a flat tone. “Why do you even care.” It didn’t even sound like a question. 

“Because Bookman begged me to help you.”

Lavi looked at Kanda in genuine astonishment, trying to determine if the Japanese was joking. The face he read was dead serious. The thought that his old and proud master would go so far as to beg Kanda… He looked away and closed his eye again, sighing, and it looked to Kanda like he had somehow aged a few more years in the space of a second.

“It doesn’t matter, Kanda,” he mumbled, his voice cracking. “I can’t go back. I just need enough time to outrun the Crows. I’m just trying to live out my remaining days without making things worse for everyone.” 

A tense silence fell in the small room. _”You don’t sound like you’re joking. You sound like you’re dying,”_ , Kanda wanted to say, but his throat felt constricted and parched. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud, because it feels like saying it would make it come true. As if the likelihood was not already looking very high. The rabbit already looked halfway there. His ribs stood out so sharply against his sides, Kanda could almost count them. Come to think of it, it was nothing short of amazing that he was still alive if he had been losing so much blood each time it happens. 

There is no use threatening someone who already wants to die. Unable to think of a way to really force the truth out of the other man, Kanda grunted and said: “Whatever. I’m only helping because they’ll bug me to death if I just go back like this. They can’t say I didn’t try.”

A small smile, more real than the ones before, flashed itself. “Nobody is forcing…” 

“Che, shut up and rest, pighead.” 

Lavi’s weak mumbling already started to trail off, his rasping breaths growing deeper and calmer. Kanda leaned back in his seat and studied the sharp planes of Lavi’s face. It was pale and gaunt from fatigue and anaemia and lack of Jerry’s nourishing food, but it also looked older and more feral. His messily chopped-up fiery hair made him look rather wild, and without the long fringe that used to veil over his face, Kanda could see for the first time how Lavi’s facial features made him a natural lady’s man. He looked like a sleeping animal, really. Before he could catch himself, Kanda swept a short red lock of hair away from Lavi’s right eyelid. He had never seen Lavi without the eyepatch. He wondered if there was an eye under there. He wondered what happened to it so that the redhead had to cover it all the time. Somehow, he never cared that the Lavi who annoyed him every day had countless secrets. The annoying fellow usually ran his mouth without thinking and was so open about his feelings that it never occurred to Kanda that there were things hidden behind all the mischievous smiles. In a way, both of them were similar. Sometimes, merely pretending to be emotionless himself was tiring. Kanda couldn’t imagine leading a life full of so much pretence. Maybe Lavi was right. Any person leading that kind of life would eventually crack. 

_‘In fact, I must be cracking right now if I’m starting to liken myself to this idiot,’_ the dark-haired man thought with an internal groan. He stared down at the purple cross stigmas on the insides of his forearms for a few moments, then pulled out his map and started planning their route to the next town. 

He could not tell which exactly they were racing against, the Crows or Time.  


*****

For the next three weeks, Kanda and Lavi made their way north at a painstaking pace. Lavi was too weak to withstand hard travel for long, so they had to stop to rest more often than Kanda liked. Two or three times, they caught wind of Crows passing their route and barely managed to give them the slip, relying on misdirection and night-time shadows to melt away. 

Quite honestly, the new Lavi was becoming not as much a pain in the ass as he used to be. Instead of fake smiles and over-the-top cheerfulness, Kanda found the new sullen attitude to be somewhat more agreeable and unpretentious. The new Lavi was silent for the most part, quick to mock and insult, broody and uncaring. If he was summer back in the old days, now he was winter, all cold and dead whiteness. He seemed to avoid Kanda, a direct opposite of how he used to want to stick to the Japanese like a child. Kanda felt that he did not mind this new version very much. The further Lavi kept away, the better.

On good days, they travelled six to eight hours on deserted tracks and settled into a hidden spot in the woods or alleys, taking turns to sleep and keep watch. On bad nights, Kanda would jolt awake to groans that rent the night’s silence. With no walls to drown his voice out, Lavi would curl into a fetal position and muffle himself with his scarf. He always slept a little further away from Kanda, still within sight but not close enough for any body contact. Kanda never knew what to do in these cases. There was nothing he _could_ do anyway. All he did was roll over on his other side and try to go back to sleep. Again and again, the sound of pain, until he even had one or two feverish dreams filled with sounds of moaning, blood on his hands and large circular pools of red.

One night, Kanda awoke to find himself alone in the dark clearing they camped in. His first reaction was to reach for Mugen and look for signs of Akuma around him. Lavi was nowhere to be seen. _Did he run off? Which way? I shouldn’t have trusted him to keep watch, he must have been waiting for me to drop my guard this entire time. Fuck!_ Upon looking around, however, he noticed that Lavi’s belongings were still in there. The puzzled swordsman lit a small light and checked the ground, letting bent grass and snapped twigs guide him. He followed Lavi’s fresh trail until he heard the gentle rushing of a river ahead. Treading cautiously, he stepped behind a tree and peeked over his shoulder towards the little brook winding through the forest. A black figure staggered into the water and… _Oh, shit._

Kanda bolted out of hiding and, taking only a moment’s pause to unsheathe Mugen and fling it out of the way, crashed undignifiedly into the knee-high waters. Gritting his teeth against the biting cold, he plunged into the frothing current and came up dragging an immobile body. He hastily swept his fringe out of his eyes and heaved Lavi onto the stony riverbank. Once there, he slapped the redhead hard in the face. Once, twice. He elbowed him in the stomach for good measure, and Lavi came back sputtering and coughing up water. Kanda’s long hair and clothes were plastered to his skin, and he was fucking _freezing_. He _hated_ it.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he snarled, hauling Lavi by the collar of his soaked-through shirt and shaking him like a badly-behaved pup. “What the hell were you trying to do?”

“I w-w-was going for a s-swim,” Lavi said through a teeth-chattering grin.

Kanda’s face darkened like a flash storm, and he slammed Lavi on the ground hard enough for an audible _CRACK!_ to ring out. “Wrong fucking answer,” Kanda said in a murderous tone.

“I-I was getting a d-drink fr—“

This time, Kanda backhanded Lavi so hard that some blood flew from the redhead’s lips. He was so enraged that he could see a palpable haze of red in his vision. He had never been so mad at anyone before. He had never been so close to killing his own comrade before. Not even the Bean Sprout. He only held himself back from breaking Lavi’s neck by a small margin. “Tell the truth or I swear I’ll kill you, I swear it on my name and Mugen’s blade, just stop the fucking joking and _tell me_!!”

“I wanted to die!”

Those words, shouted in a half-sob, rang on and on, it seemed, as if the forest heard them and was repeating them. Those words stabbed into Kanda’s mind and shattered his anger like a stone struck against a thin layer of ice on a puddle. His joints turned into rubber and he let Lavi crash to the ground. Now that he wasn’t angry, he felt empty. He stared listlessly at Lavi, suddenly noticing that the redhead had that familiar posture of pain. Lavi was shaking violently not only from the cold, but also from agony. It looked worse than it had in the last few nights.

Kanda found himself trembling a little as he touched Lavi’s shoulder, unsure what to say or think or feel. “You… you could have just woke me up if it was this bad,” he muttered, hating how lame it sounded after he said it.

“I was f-fine!” Lavi laughed a little manically, “In the w-water, I was n-n-numb and I-I thought finally it’ll all stop, f-fina-- _ughhhhh_.” Lavi’s hand shot out and fisted itself in Kanda’s wet shirt as he groaned and twisted, pressing his cheek so hard into the riverbank that small sharp stones embedded into his skin and caused small rivulets of blood to flow free.

Hardly knowing what he was doing anymore, Kanda pulled Lavi into his arms, hugging him as tightly as he could. It was the closest contact he had come with anyone since… Alma. Alma was suffering at that time too, and Kanda wanted nothing but to hold him, to protect and comfort him and try to make the pain easier to bear. In his current state of mind, Alma and Lavi were not the same, but they were similar enough. This close, Kanda could feel Lavi’s heart thumping painfully and his body twitching as whatever was inside his body tried to eat its way out. Lavi struggled in his grasp, trying to free himself, but Kanda held on firmly. 

_"You can stop fighting alone just for once, stupid,"_ Kanda mumbled, tightening his arms around the redhead. 

Lavi's movements ceased slowly, and he pressed his face into Kanda’s shoulder, biting into the wet fabric there and some of the skin underneath and drawing blood. The swordsman welcomed this pain as a distraction from Lavi’s. Together, they just sat there on the rocks, Kanda absent-mindedly soothing Lavi’s back until the intense but brief spell of agony subsided. Kanda helped them both stagger back to the camping site and draped a coat over them, his arms not once letting go of the half-conscious Lavi. Both of them lay in silence, awake yet not awake, watching early dawn’s light slowly stir the forest creatures. A faint breath tickled Kanda’s ear.

 _“Parasites…”_ came Lavi’s voice, sounding infinitely far away, _"Chaozii... Noah...spying... had to..."_

_“It’s okay. I understand. It's okay.”_

_“Sorry… Yuu...sorry I… am…”_

_”Don’t say it. Please don’t.”_

And mercifully, silence fell.


	7. Feeling Too Much (Part I)

_Someone’s in a good mood._

It was true. For the first time in forever, Lavi did not have that dead look on his face. They were passing through a busy little town, the biggest they have been to in a while, and the sights and sounds were doing wonders to the former Bookman. There was light in his eyes, and he looked more awake than he had been ever since they started travelling together. He paused to watch some young couples dancing to a bluegrass tune in the town square, their feet slapping the red brick ground in a lively rhythm, and Kanda could feel Lavi’s body shift restlessly to the music, as if it remembered a time when he would have joined them and probably pull Kanda along with him. That felt like a Lavi from a lifetime ago now. Nevertheless, the rabbit walked away with a small smile on his lips, and when they stopped by at a café, he actually ordered a shepherd’s pie and a buttered croissant, when his usual meal was as light as a sandwich, as if he found it a bother to be eating at all. An appetite is a good thing. 

Another good thing was that Kanda was feeling not half bad, himself. Ever since the river incident a few days ago, Lavi became much more... amicable. They had somehow progressed towards occasional small talk, never about the night at the river or anything related to Innocence and the war, but just about things in general, like the weather and the road and provisions. Kanda was a man who believed in the virtue of silence, but frankly he was getting sick of travelling alone with a suicidal, depressed walking corpse, and the talking was a small relief from the boredom. On those long, painful nights, Lavi now wakes Kanda up, and they lie together in silence, fingers intertwined until it stops and they fall asleep. 

Presently, they were passing by a few little shops when Kanda turned and found himself alone. Backtracking, he looked through dusty shop windows and found his companion through one of them, moving towards the inner dimness of a cramped store. The front door was so short that Kanda had to duck his head when he entered. The old man sitting at the counter was probably as old as the shop, which must be pretty damn old, because it turned out that everything in it was antique.

Kanda squinted around as he ambled along. There weren’t really aisles because not everything were on shelves; yellow-paged books were piled onto old moth-eaten armchairs, some huge china vases were placed precariously on top of one another in such a way that anyone who so much as breathed too close to them might find themselves walking out of the store unburdened by their purses. Still, the items seem to be recently polished and the faint smell of wood in the shop was not unpleasant.

The Japanese found Lavi near the back of the shop, peering at a small tabletop music box with great interest. He spoke without even looking at Kanda. “Hey, look at this. It’s one of the first models ever made, I bet. It must be about fifty years old by now. I think it may have been made in Switzerland.” He turned his attention to some old pistols hanging on a wall and mumbled something to himself in a language that sounded like Dutch to Kanda, then he moved quickly away to inspect some miniature typing machine. Eye darting everywhere, he was like a poor child who had found a large toy shop and was ogling at everything in amazement. It made him look incredibly young, and Kanda had no trouble imagining a little red-haired boy with wide eyes, looking at the wonders of the world and absorbing every single detail in his little mind. He gamely let Lavi ramble on about this antique and that, quietly enjoying the childlike exuberance.

A Lavi from a lifetime ago.

Having seen enough, Kanda wandered back to the front of the shop. The ancient fellow at the counter peered at him behind thick spectacles and a neat comb mustache.

“Your friend Irish?” the man asked plainly.

Kanda raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think so?” he asked back.

“The red hair don’t look dyed, so I assumed. The Irish got fire in their hair and grass in their eyes, dontcherknow.”

Kanda frowned in doubt. “I don’t think he might be Irish. As far as I know, he’s of mixed blood.” Kanda turned his eyes to the back of the shop, where Lavi was still rummaging around. _I don’t know where he came from. Or his real name. Or his true personality. Or what the hell he’s thinking. Three years, and you think you know too much about a guy, but in the end you find that you know nothing about him at all._

The old owner stroked his snowy mustache thoughtfully. “Any chance he might have some Irish blood anyway?” 

“Why do you ask?” 

“Well, I remember seeing something interesting in the back the other day, and I think your friend might be interested in it, if he is Irish, or at least partially Irish.” Rickety bones grudgingly did their job as the old man unfolded his thin frame and shuffled into a room behind the counter. He came back in a few moments with a book. He gave the maroon leather cover a good wipe with his sleeve and opened it. A whiff of aged paper reached Kanda’s nose.

“There we go, there.” The owner beamed with pride. “It’s a book about Irish myths and song lyrics. These here, I think, are lyrics to a folk song… or lullaby…. or drinking song. Anyway, it’s Irish and it’s old, dontcherknow. I’m sure your friend would like it as a gift.”

Kanda took the book. It was small of size but rather thick, and the printing inside was minute and faded, making reading a minor challenge. The page he turned to next had hand drawn illustrations of small fairy folk dancing neatly in a mushroom circle under moonlight. 

“I don’t know if he’ll be interested in these fantasy things,” Kanda said with a snort. 

“No problem, it’s the thought that counts, no? Your friend looks like he could use a little something to take that sad look out of his eyes, er, eye.” 

Kanda realized then that the man would have a smooth reply for every excuse he could come up with. Apparently the old geezer still had the spirit of a proficient merchant. He looked at the book again. It was a little childish, but he supposed Lavi might be appreciative of a small gift, especially if it was a book. 

Sighing resignedly, the raven-haired man reached for his purse. “I’ll take it, I guess.”

“Excellent, it’s only eight pounds, dontcherknow, special price for you and your sad one-eyed may-or-may-not-be Irish friend.”

Kanda gave him a Look. 

The white goatee trembled. “Six pounds, and I’m cutting me own throat, young man!”

The money exchanged hands, and the old man smiled the smile of one who has made a successful sales venture. Kanda tucked the book into his coat pocket. “Oi, we’re leaving!” he shouted to the back of the shop.

Lavi’s face emerged from behind a shelf. “Hold on, there's something I want to look at! I’ll meet you outside!” Then it disappeared again.

Kanda stepped out of the shop and realized that the sun was already setting. In the distance, the orange sky was turning purple. Directly above, though, it was dark gray. Lightning and distant thunder ensued. It was going to be a rainy night. There was a flash of white, and from the corner of his eye, Kanda saw something flicker.

 _What was that?_ He turned his face, but he saw nothing on the street but people ushering home. 

Flicker again, something that was bigger this time, bigger than Kanda himself, around a corner. _Akuma?!_ Kanda turned the corner and looked down the short alley. Something just turned into an alley that forked away. He followed swiftly, drawing Mugen from its scabbard. If Akuma were around, they can create chaos at any time. He followed the shadow down a few more back alleys, all the while having the feeling that he was being followed, but it wasn’t a problem because he could deal with a few Akuma alone…

When Lavi came out of the antique shop a little later, there was nobody in sight.

*****

If there was anything Kanda hated more than Akuma, it would probably be Crows.

There were, to his credit, more than ten of them to begin with. Although he was outnumbered, he was superior in skill and knocked out a few quickly. It gave him immense satisfaction to do so. Nonetheless, the Crows were elites trained in combat. It was not long before they managed to bind his legs with some Seals, and he could hardly run after that. He dragged himself down some random alley, in whatever direction that would lead them away from the antique shop on the main street. That’s where he hit the dead end. 

He landed a vicious kick in the stomach of one and was about to swing Mugen at another when he felt a sharp pain in his legs, and he went down.

One of the Crows kicked Mugen away from Kanda's hand, and it clattered onto the stone ground a little distance away. The Crow wiped blood from its temple and turned to the others. Wordlessly, two members of the group departed, no doubt in search of Lavi. One of the remaining ones knelt before him. 

“Please do not make further attempts to fight us, General. You understand that we are only doing our duty here,” the Crow said. “We wish only for your cooperation.”

“Where is he?” asked another briskly.

Kanda stared at them with as much venom as he could muster. He knew he has only been subdued because he knew they would not actually dare to harm a General and he went easy on them because he was focusing on buying time for Lavi, but his pride was bruised. 

The second one who spoke reached over and twisted the arrow lodged in his calf, grating the bone. Kanda offered only a muffled grunt of pain. 

“We don’t want to have to do this, but we have been given strict orders to capture him. You would know, for you have received the exact same orders, General.” There was evident satisfaction in the man’s voice at being able to have a dig at a higher-up. “Now if you’ll kindly tell us where he is heading to, it would make our jobs all much simpler.”

“I don’t have anything to say to the likes of you,” Kanda growled.

“Pity.” One of them turned to the others and said: “He can't have gone far yet. You two search east of here, and I will go north.”

“And the General?” asked the one who twisted the arrow, who now seized Kanda roughly by the collar.

“He is not our focus for this mission. Leave him. The escapee is our top priority.”

“I’m most flattered, good man.”

Kanda twisted his neck almost painfully upwards to see Lavi standing at the mouth of the alley. Other than a determined expression, he seemed to be equipped with a wooden pole. It was almost comical, Pole versus Seals, and Kanda could swear the Crows were sneering behind their masks.

“What the fuck are you doing, baka usagi?!” he yelled angrily, struggling against his bonds. “Get the hell out of here!!” 

Lavi pointedly ignored him. The Crow who commanded the others stepped forward. “You are to come with us, Bookman Junior. The Order has reason to believe your Innocence, Tetsui, may have crystallized. The Order needs you in this war. I trust you desire to serve mankind to the best of your abilities as we do.”

Lavi grinned lazily. “So I’m Bookman Junior now? Strange, I could have sworn I was The Escapee when I last heard. Also, logically, would I be fighting you with this puny thing if I had Oozuchi Kozuchi with me?”

“That will be determined once we have returned to the Headquarters. Our task is only to bring you back, even if force is necessitated.”

“So force was ‘necessitated’ for our good General here too?” Lavi motioned at Kanda, his tone taking a sharp edge.

“Assisting one being pursued by the Order is a minor crime of its own. I’m sure General Kanda will forgive us for such treatment in the name of the Vatican,” the Crow replied stoically.

“He might, but I won’t.”

Lavi dashed forward and blocked a hit from the foremost Crow with the pole. It almost sawed the thin pole in half, but Lavi managed to land a strong uppercut to the chin and a sharp jab in the stomach. The Crow jumped away while the others swooped in with Seals. Kanda tried desperately to move his leaden limbs, but his efforts were sluggish. He could only watch as Lavi tried to take on four Crows by himself. 

Despite having no Innocence, Lavi was still mean with a pole weapon and flexible. He managed to defend himself until Kanda managed to pull out some of the arrows, weakening the Seals and regaining some ability in his arms and legs. Gritting his teeth against the pain, he got up and fought alongside with Lavi, falling another two Crows. The last two fought them tooth and claw, their wide range of techniques keeping Kanda on edge for surprise attacks. Kanda had turned and cut one lightly across the chest with Mugen when he heard an exclamation behind him. 

Lavi struggled with his hands twisted behind him as he was restricted by the remaining Crow. There was a long saw blade pressed against his neck. Kanda froze.

“You have my word, General, that I will not harm him if you would please lay down your Innocence and return with us.”

In most similar situations, the hostage would shout ‘Help me!’ or ‘No, don’t do it, just kill him!’ or something to that effect.

Lavi said: “Then harm me, bastard.” 

He grabbed the blade with his bare hands. Taken by surprise, the Crow stepped back, allowing Lavi the time to punch him in the gut. The Crow staggered, but didn't fall, and his blade dashed forward-- 

Kanda shouted. In the next moment, Mugen was buried shaft-deep in the Crow’s chest, and the man’s dying breath behind the mask was in Kanda’s ear. There was noise up ahead, and Kanda saw that the two Crows who had left to search for Lavi before had returned. Grabbing Lavi’s arm, Kanda fled down the alley. There was an empty building several streets down, and out of breath, the Japanese hurled them both through a window just before the Crows ran by. The both of them sat panting on the floor, rainwater dripping off them and making little dark pools on the dusty plank flooring.

“You dense motherfucker,” Kanda cursed, “You should have run away. There was nobody to stop you, you could have gotten away just fine, and instead you show up with a fucking pole as if you’re some bloody...”

Lavi had been panting and clutching his side as if he was in stitches from their sprint, and Kanda just assumed the blood on his shirt came from his bleeding hands because the git had grabbed the Crow’s blade, but the Japanese suddenly noticed that there was a lot more blood than there should be. “You got hurt? Shit, let me see.”

Kanda shoved Lavi’s hand away and lifted his shirt up. And stared.

There was blood. There was a neat slit in the shirt. The blade had definitely got him.

But the wound had become a mass of raw-looking scar tissue.

Kanda sat back, eyes wide with shock. Lavi offered a weak grin.

“Guess now I’m just like Yuu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! It's been months since I've updated, but I get so excited when I see people commenting. I love you all ///  
> I promised fluff, and thus there will be some fluff in this chapter, which will be split into two parts because idek it just feels right. There will also be story development. There will also be smut. There will be SMUT!!!!! This makes me so happy!!! I've started writing the smutty bits in small sections since lonnnggg ago, with my handphone memo app, usually written in public areas while trying to keep a normal no-I'm-totally-not-writing-about-hot-ghey-sex face on display. It delights me that it's going to be properly written now ;w;;  
> I hope you all enjoy this long chapter, and please continue to follow this fic for updates! 
> 
> PS: The phrase 'cut me own throat' here is indeed a small reference to Terry Pratchett's Discworld character. May Pratchett rest peacefully in an afterworld borne upon the back of a galactic tortoise.


	8. Feeling Too Much (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all and brace yoselves. This be a slightly long and dense chapter. But there is sex between men. Please remove your eyeballs if you don't like to read such things.

“I’ve had enough of saving you for this lifetime.”

“That’s mean of you to say. After all, this time _I_ came back for _you._ ” 

Kanda glanced at Lavi’s exposed stomach. The scar tissue just above his navel has already started to fade, and it’s been barely an hour. The only people Kanda had ever seen who were able to recover like this were Alma, himself and Noah. They were special. Lavi was not supposed to be.

“I suppose you already knew this would happen, unless you’re a suicidal bastard.”

Lavi smiled wryly. “I did. Actually, being a suicidal bastard was how I came to know about this.”

Kanda frowned. “Your meaning?”

Lavi reached out to take Mugen and deftly nicked his own wrist. Kanda was too tired to feel alarmed in the slightest. They stared in silent contemplation as blood gushed from the wound for about a minute, then slowly ceased and stopped. Lavi wiped it off on his damp shirt.

“You’re saying that you’ve tried to kill yourself before," Kanda said slowly in comprehension. "When?”

Lavi rubbed the raw wound on his wrist slowly. “On the third night I left the Order. It was the first night that the ea—…” He cast his eyes away suddenly. “…that the pain started. It was so bad, I… I woke up the next day soaked in blood and feeling like shit, but I couldn't find the wounds anymore. I wondered why I was alive after each night of this torture. I mean, you've seen me.”

“I did wonder about that,” Kanda mused. Every time, Lavi would cough up blood, not enough to kill a person straight off, but no normal human could have survived few nights of that in a row.

“I’ve tried some ways to end myself, but I keep healing every time. I was honestly wondering if blowing out my own brains might be the only solution. That night in the river, I thought maybe drowning would...”

Kanda stiffened. This was the first time that either of them had brought up that incident. It made his chest feel tight, and he resented even thinking about that night. “Sorry for saving you then,” he said sourly.

Lavi smiled down at his faintly blood-stained hands. “Well, I probably only survived what the Noah did to me because of this ability. Without it, I would have been dead long before you ever reached us in that prison. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s a gift or a fucking curse. What they did to me…”

The redhead looked like he was about to continue talking, but wasn't sure how to. Kanda pressed his lips into a thin line, bracing himself for something, what exactly he didn’t know, but something that felt long due to them both. A long silence fell, with tension that hummed in the air like a palpable layer of steam. After a while, Lavi reached into his jacket and pulled out a small object. “I got this from the antique shop just now,” he said wistfully. “I thought you might like it. Good thing it didn’t get banged up just now.”

Some stray moonlight caught on it when Lavi held it up, and now Kanda could see that it was a pale jade comb, with small dragons carved into the handle.

“Tch, I’m not some maiden, asshole,” Kanda said half-crossly. Inside, he was quite taken aback. He didn’t know what to feel about Lavi actually thinking about him. The new Lavi only thought about himself. That’s how it has been so far.

“Yeah, but your hair is a frightful mess right now. It’s half falling out of its ponytail.”

“Well, I was busy saving your ass just now, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, yes, I know. Thanks for saving my ass, even though _I_ was the one who showed up like a hero. I’ll make your hair pretty for you as thanks.”

Kanda grabbed the end of his long ponytail and held it close to him. “No fucking way you’re touching my hair, bastard!” 

“Shut up and accept the offer, idiot!”

Both men seized Kanda’s ponytail and struggled for a few moments. Lavi emerged victorious and managed to pull the tie free, and silky hair spilled over Kanda’s shoulders like ink. Before the Japanese could protest, gentle fingers combed through the strands, smoothing them out. Lavi’s other hand started massaging Kanda’s scalp. Kanda made a show of turning his back towards Lavi, folding his arms in disdain and fuming, but very soon after, he was forced to admit to himself that it was feeling really good. When he was travelling, he never bothered to tidy his hair. The feeling of it being combed was comforting. He felt his body relax bit by bit, lulled by the soothing movements and silence of the night.

“Parasites. They put Parasites in me.”

Kanda inhaled deeply and opened his eyes a little. Lavi’s hands didn’t stop moving, as if he didn’t just say something really important, something so important that it weighed down the air itself. _"I don't want to hear this, not now, not when everything feels this right"_ , the samurai thought, but he shut himself up because all this time, Lavi had been carrying this heavy, painful truth inside him, jealously guarding it from Kanda because he wanted to _protect_ him from it, and now Lavi was finally telling it to him because it was getting too heavy and too painful and he was getting crushed under the smothering weight of it all. 

“They wanted to know about the Fourteenth,” Lavi continued to mumble solemnly, “About the Earl’s relationship with him, and about Apocryphos. Bookmen guard their secrets well. Old panda never said as much as a word when they tortured me, when they whipped and burnt and dug out my flesh in front of his eyes. Not a single damn…” A long breath and deep sigh. His voice was tight when he continued. “Then the Sixth Disciple, Corrosion, put those things in my body.”

“Chaozii Han, too?” 

Lavi nodded. “They’ve been inside him since he was rescued in China. I hoped the Order could keep him under surveillance, anything that would keep the Noah’s spying to a minimum, but Chaozii would never admit he might be a Noah spy. I don’t know how much he’s aware of it, but I’m sure that the only reason he doesn’t get these pains like I do is because the Noah don’t want to raise the Order’s suspicion towards him. They want the others to think that he’s ‘healed’. Right now, I’m afraid of how much information the bastards are getting. Our only hope is that they’re too busy with the Apocryphos to start coming after us one by one for the time being.”

“And your healing?” Kanda asked quietly.

The soothing hands stopped then, the jade comb poised beautifully with knife- straight black strands streaming through the teeth. 

“I don’t know what causes it. It might be that the Parasites protect their hosts that way. And…” Lavi swallowed loudly, “I think that the fucking pain I get on some nights are them eating my flesh. They protect me, so that they can feed on me.” 

Now that Lavi’s hands were still, Kanda could feel how badly they were shaking. He winced and opened his mouth to speak, but Lavi interjected him quickly. “Whatever it is, I feel like I’m losing it. This ability. Whatever it is, the eating is becoming worse, and I feel weaker every time after… I think soon… I….” 

_You just won’t be able to heal in time._

Kanda felt blood drain away from him, leaving a trail of bone-deep ice through his body. Keeping his voice as level as possible, he said, “Is there any way to stop it? We could go back, keep you locked up and see.”

Lavi sighed. “It’s no use. If the Noah don’t get anything from me, I die anyway, either by being eaten to bits or by the Order’s hands. I can’t be like Chaozii, pretending like I don't know anything. They want me to spy on Bookman, I’m sure. I won’t betray anyone. I would rather die out here.” He stroked Kanda’s long hair, his fingers tugging a little bit like it could somehow save him, and chuckled in a way that Kanda felt sounded more like a sob. “I’m sorry for telling you all this, really. I just need…”

 _Thud!_ Lavi felt something hard connect with the bridge of his nose. He cried out and fell backwards, tears in his eyes from the explosive pain. Something warm and heavy was pinning his hips and arms down and then Kanda’s face was centimetres away from his when he could get his eyes open. 

"Don't talk about dying now!" Kanda growled, looking Lavi straight in the eye. "You’ve circled the edges of the pit of death often enough for me to tire of waiting for you to fall in. While I'm still around, Bookman Junior, you're not going to be dying that easily. There will be a way to fix this, and we're going to find it. You are not going to die, because you’ve got to be the hardest asshole to kill in this world." 

Stunned, Lavi opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again, realizing that there was no point arguing with someone as ungodly stubborn as Kanda Yuu. Strangely, it was an immense relief to say 'I'm dying' out loud, and have someone say 'No, you're not' in reply. It meant that that someone believed in a future in which you still existed. It meant that someone had your back and would fight to keep you alive. Just that little is enough. For the first time in what felt like ages, Lavi felt like he could breathe again. Adrenaline was rushing into his veins, blood pounding in his ears, he took a deep breath and let it out loudly, and by god, he was fucking allowed to believe that he would live on. A wistful grin spread across his face. “You’re shit at being comforting, Yuu,” he chuckled.

Kanda scowled and said: “Now look here, you ungrateful piece of—“

Lavi flung his arms across Kanda’s shoulders, yanking the Japanese down with a shocked yelp and flipping them both so he was crushing Kanda beneath him. He buried his face near Kanda’s neck, and the Japanese youth’s ear was suddenly full of hot, deep breaths. 

“Thank you, Yuu. Honestly. You don’t know how much I needed that. Thank you.”

The desperate sincerity in Lavi’s hushed voice struck Kanda in a way he had never felt before. It felt like every cell in his body was screaming in a wordless sorrow so intense that it was struggling to burst out of his body. Lavi had lifted his face and was looking right at Kanda, their noses almost touching, their bodies pressed together, their breaths shallow and unsteady, both sharing the same air and the same pain. Kanda stared at Lavi’s long lashes, casting spidery shadows over his cheeks in the almost-moonlight, and that emerald pupil. No matter how his looks changed, his eye was the same, cautious but as open as a book to those who cared to read and understand it.

_I want to…_

Heart pounding unnaturally, Kanda instinctively closed his eyes, just before the press of gentle, warm lips on his.

He was too aware of everything and nothing. He could hear the nocturnal humming of the town and feel the weight of darkness pressing on his consciousness, yet he felt like he was a constellation, a million miles away from all of this. He didn’t know he was holding his breath until Lavi’s lips pulled away. Kanda’s breath rushed back into his lungs with loud buzzing in his ears, which felt like they were boiling. Actually, his cheeks were also feeling uncomfortably hot. So was his neck, and well, fuck, his entire body was on slow cook. 

Lavi smiled and pressed on Kanda’s chest, pushing him gently backwards until the smaller man felt the wall against his back. Kanda wiped his sweaty palms off on his coat and pressed his back as close to the wall as possible, his every muscle knotted with tension. _Fucking god. I just did that. I just kissed the King of Idiots himself— I must be out of my goddamn mind._

Lavi’s face was hovering inches away, his bottom lip glistening, and Kanda swore his head was going to swell up and explode. The redhead’s breath came out in amused huffs. “That was… kind of weird, but I liked it. Did you?” he asked softly.

“I-I don’t know,” Kanda replied, scared of how uneven his own voice sounded in that narrow space. 

“Do you want to do it again?”

The Japanese looked away, searching for a way out of this embarrassment. “I’m not sure I-- ”

Lavi reached over and firmly tipped Kanda’s chin towards him. This time, the kiss was slow and deliberate, with Lavi caressing Kanda’s lips and tracing the line between them with his tongue. Frozen to the spot, Kanda felt helplessly swept along, his arm clutching Lavi’s bicep nervously as he parted his lips to let Lavi’s tongue slip in. It carefully probed the inside of his lips and cheeks first, then it touched Kanda’s tongue and everything changed. Lavi’s body shifted forward as he locked their mouths together with a forcefulness that made Kanda nervous. Lavi was breathing into his mouth and their tongues were twisting together and hot, wet, damn, everything was too much for him to fucking think straight.

Fingers spidered along Kanda’s ribs and slid down slowly, caressing his abs and stomach in soothing strokes. He couldn’t focus fully on what was happening until he felt tugging on his belt. His eyes flew open in shock. 

“Wait, wait,” the Japanese gasped, pushing Lavi away. “This is going too fast.”

Lavi wiped a corner of his mouth with a knuckle. His eye glinted softly at Kanda. “Are you afraid of me?” he asked slyly.

Kanda scowled. “Hell no,” he lied, “I just—“

Lavi smirked at him. “You should be. I’m a messed up sonofabitch, remember? C’mon, Yuu…” He draped himself over the smaller man, who quickly discovered that the effort of pushing on someone several pounds of muscle heavier than himself was rather unfruitful. Lavi lapped at Kanda’s neck determinedly and nipped at his earlobe despite his struggling. Desperate and bewildered, the Japanese tried to knee the bastard in the crotch, but only succeeded in dragging his leg up along it.

Caught off-guard, Lavi shuddered and gasped right into Kanda’s ear. There was no way Kanda could deny that it was the sexiest, most orgasmic sound he had ever heard in his obstinate life. His groin involuntarily tightened, and his heart squeezed unmercifully. _Also, there was something odd… Wait, is he fucking **erect**?! That means that he’s - He wants to - With me - And I’m… Oh, for fuck’s sake._

Kanda squeezed his knees together, but Lavi caught sight of his squirming. “Hey, are you getting hard?” Lavi asked with a smug grin. Before Kanda could answer, he pulled the smaller man’s thighs apart and rubbed his palm between them. 

Kanda involuntarily made a noise and immediately clamped the back of his hand to his mouth. His face flushed a fetching shade of scarlet down to his collar. The other man looked on in amusement and moved his hand. Muffled sounds escaped Kanda as Lavi palmed his awakening erection, rubbing the black silk of his pants tantalizingly. _Shit, shit,_ Kanda thought blearily as he fought every urge to grind against that teasing hand. Fuck, it was not supposed to feel this good, especially since he was doing this with a man (a hare-brained man at that), but it had been weeks since Kanda last managed to do it himself and despite his body being half-superhuman, it still had very human needs that needed fulfilling. He gave a throaty growl and opened his eyes when Lavi finally got the belt off and tugged at his waistband enough for the tip of his leaking erection to peek out.

“Wait, stop for a second,” Kanda huffed in a daze, clutching Lavi’s shoulders.

“Can’t stop,” the redhead replied breathily, rubbing himself on Kanda’s calf and panting in a way that made Kanda realize that he was really getting way too excited to stop now. “Please, Yuu. I want to touch you so badly. Please.” He took Kanda’s hand and pressed it to the back of his neck, letting Kanda feel the heated skin there.

Kanda bit his lip anxiously. “I don’t want to go all the way,” he finally admitted. 

Lavi paused and backed away a little to give the other man some space. He looked right at Kanda through one lust-hazy eye. “We don’t have to go all the way,” he said in a husky whisper, “Not if you don’t want to. We’ll just touch. That’s all. I promise.” He moved closer again and stroked Kanda’s back in comforting circles, waiting for his response.

Kanda was torn between fear and pleasure. He was terrified of losing control of himself. All his life, he’d been caged, and he had to keep himself collected at all times to prevent himself from going mad. By building a protective cocoon around his emotions, he had trapped himself. Sex was outside the boundaries of anything he was familiar with, and it unnerved him more than he thought. 

Taking Kanda’s silence as an opportunity for persuasion, Lavi’s hands slipped slowly down the curve of Kanda’s back. They ghosted over his ribs and traced down the lines of his hipbones. Finally, he dipped into Kanda’s pants and gently grasped his erection. 

The Japanese man froze in anxiety, his hands in fists as Lavi began to tentatively stroke him with one hand, the other rubbing the side of Kanda’s neck. The pleasure came rushing back as Lavi began to stroke harder, and Kanda gritted his teeth hard and breathed through his nose to keep himself from making undignified noises.

Opening one eye, Kanda glanced down and saw an obvious bulge in Lavi’s pants. Despite his initial reluctance, once the shock of the intimacy wore off a little bit and the rhythm and atmosphere started to make him tipsy, natural curiosity was creeping on his mind. How would it feel? Taking a courageous breath, Kanda reached over and ran his fingers roughly over the curve of Lavi’s crotch. The redhead stiffened and exhaled loudly, his cock pulsing at Kanda’s touch. _He’s really turned on, this idiot,_ thought Kanda as his fingers lingered over Lavi’s waistband.

“You wanna touch me?” Lavi asked with a smirk in his tone. He took one hand off Kanda’s body to clumsily undo his belt and zip. Smiling faintly at the other, he nodded down at himself. Kanda blushed furiously and reached into Lavi’s underwear.

_Holy fuck._

Sure, he had heard the rumours that Asians were smaller everywhere in general, but he’d never bothered to make personal comparisons with other males. He was quite happy with his own size, thank you. Besides, his life revolved around a mission that was more complicated than your usual nine-to-five weekends-off sort of job. When one’s life could be forfeit at a single minor fuck-up, one cannot afford the time for trivialities.

Therefore, Kanda became painfully aware of his lack of sex education. He fumbled nervously with the pulsing member in his hand, trying to copy what Lavi’s hand was doing to his own dick. He started jerking Lavi impatiently, whereas Lavi stroked with delicious slowness and clever fingers, but their difference in pacing only stoked their passion more. Lavi began to gently fondle Kanda’s balls while flicking his thumb across the slit on the tip, and Kanda bit and sucked on Lavi’s collarbone between soft whimpers and moans.

“Ah, shit, feels damn good…” Lavi mumbled feverishly, thrusting his hips forward in time with Kanda’s stroking. Courage renewed, Kanda huffed in triumph and plunged his tongue into Lavi’s mouth, locking them in an almost brutal kiss. Lavi pressed himself against Kanda’s body, and their bared members touched, causing both to jump in each other’s grasps.

Kanda shifted so he could get closer and ended up straddling Lavi’s thighs. The redhead lined them up and started pumping them both, and Kanda fisted his hands in Lavi’s shirt as he threw his head back, surrendering himself to the searing pleasure. They rocked against each other in a steady rhythm at first, but when Lavi leaned forward to kiss Kanda again, their mouths muffled each other’s moans and the contorted expression of unbearable pleasure on Lavi’s face through Kanda’s half-open eyes was enough to speed things past the point of control. Their movements became erratic and urgent as the heat flamed through Kanda’s veins and dizzied him. Everything was feeling slick and warm and all he could think about was how doing this with Lavi (of all people!) must be the dumbest, weirdest thing he’s ever done all his life, but it was so, so unbelievably good, don’t stop, fuck, ahhh, don’t fucking stop, I—

Without warning, Kanda twitched and came with a string of hisses and moans. Jets of milky fluid spurted over Lavi’s hands, and the redhead whimpered as the feeling of the warm substance trickling over his fingers made him spasm and add his own semen to the forming mess underneath them.

Neither of them was capable of forming coherent thoughts as they fought against the overwhelming tide of ecstasy and then the bone-melting satisfaction of release that followed after. Lavi slid away from Kanda on his knees and rested his back against the wall beside the other man, wondering when on earth his breath will come back, if ever. Kanda wiped the dripping sweat off his chin and brow and wished he could rip the walls around them apart so they can let some cool air in. 

After the breathing noises in the air became less loud, Lavi licked his dry, sucked-cherry-red lips. “Damn. We’ve fucking done it, haven’t we?” he commented with a soft laugh. “I’m going crazy over here. I need a drink, or two, or three. I need a bar.”

Kanda’s mind was so drained, he could hardly think of something biting to say. “You know what,” he said instead, still panting a little bit, “I can’t agree with you more on this one. But tomorrow. I need to sleep, right now.”

Lavi wiped his cum-covered hand off on his pants , then shrugged it off with some difficulty and flung it away somewhere along with his shirt. At the same time, Kanda took off his coat and stripped to his underwear too. Without another shared word, both of them walked out to a moonlight-filled corridor where part of the ceiling had collapsed to reveal the night sky. Blessed cool air washed over them, and finding a dry area, they spread Kanda’s coat on the floor and was asleep within seconds of lying down together, lulled into sleep by the gentle pattering sounds of rain.

  


*****

  


Morning descended softly the next day, as if it wished not to disturb those who still slumber.

Kanda cracked open his eyes. The first thing that got to him was _ow, fuck, concrete floor, shit_ , and the second was that there was a warm body next to him. He flipped over, and came almost face-to-face with a topless Lavi lying on his stomach, looking at the cover of a small book by the mid-morning sunlight. 

Lavi looked up and smiled at him. “Morning, Yuu.” 

“Uhm, morning,” the Japanese replied, feeling a bit flustered from the memories of the previous night and the lovey-dovey feeling of this morning. “What’s that book you got there?”

“This?” Lavi wiggled the book at him. “You tell me. I found it in your coat when I was investigating a weird lump under me just now.” 

_Oh, that book._ Kanda coughed. "Oh. Uhm. I got it from the shop yesterday. It’s a book on Irish folk lore or something. It sounds pretty stupid, but I thought maybe you hadn’t been able to read any books in a while, so you might miss them. So there.” He prayed he sounded as nonchalant as he intended.

Lavi looked at the book and slowly ran his fingers gently over the leather cover. He held it to his nose and inhaled, and Kanda could imagine the musky scent of ink and aged pages. Lavi spoke no words, but his longing and sadness was evident in every line of his body, the way he closed his eyes and furrowed his brows in a vaguely pained way, cradling the book like a long-lost treasure. It was a piece of the home he'd left behind.

He opened to a random page, read it for a bit, and laughed. "What?" Kanda asked defensively, wondering if it was a silly idea after all. Lavi shook his head. "It's actually a book of romantic poetry, you know." "Fairy tales my ass. I _knew_ that old boon was making a coin out of me. I knew it!" "Hey, it's okay. It's the thought that counts, yeah? I like poetry anyway." Scanning the page, Lavi translated aloud, his voice peppered with an Irish accent carrying softly into the fresh morning air. 
    
    
    "And thus we are, as if there were but two in the world,  
    
    Walking among a sea of phantoms, yet never were we two entities separate,  
    
    Merely twin halves held apart by fate, till in time made whole."  
    
    

Lavi leaned over and snuggled his cheek against Kanda’s shoulder affectionately, causing a small eruption of warmth in the pit of Kanda’s belly. “It’s perfect," he sighed. 

Kanda smiled a little and allowed himself to snuggle closer to the other for warmth. 

_Idiot, you’re perfect._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh, it is done at last! This is the longest chapter I've written for this fic so far, and I've had to edit it countless times to finally reach satisfaction. I hope I have not failed your expectations greatly! Look at these awkward attempts at plot explanations and lovey-dovey shit! OTL 
> 
> I never intended to write their first experience as actual sex, because it seemed natural to me that it would be too much for Kanda's manry tsundere-ism to handle. This will certainly not be the last time they fool around though! They will do the deed! I'll now recede into my bat cave to work out the next chapter!
> 
> PS: There is no such Irish poem, it was made up by yours truly @w@ I'm sorry.
> 
> UPDATE: I AM DOING MY BEST FOR CHAPTER 8. In the meantime, I upload my progress on LaviYuu fics, artwork as well as ideas for other LaviYuu fics on my [Tumblr](http://suicidetoro.tumblr.com/). I am open for asks too! Please fee free to chat with me there~


	9. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my lovely birbs. I know it's been so long since I last posted, but have no fear, I promise this fic will never be completely abandoned until it's done. Life got in the way for the last year, I was busy trying to adapt to working and staying away from family and it was a stressful time for me. Thankfully things have calmed down this year and I was able to not only finish writing this but also draw more and enjoy life. As a peace offering, I hope you enjoy the following 8.5k words. I put a lot into perfecting it. There will be **explicit sex** in this chapter. If you're here for that, I really hope I don't disappoint. If I do, well I guess I'll have to improve through more sex-writing *wink wonk*. If you're not here for that, it's okay, I hope you like the rest of the chapter. 
> 
> Here I want to thank my beloved betas, [snowdrops](http://archiveofourown.org/users/snowdrops) and [clandestine7](http://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestine7).They helped me so much and I love them more than hot coffee on a rainy morning.

The red-skinned woman beamed at the couple. “So, wha’ brings you two lovebirds o’er the sea?” she asked as she put another can of spicy tuna into her shopping basket.

Kanda and Lavi glanced at each other. They’d just travelled on the train for three straight days, figuring that their last run-in with the Crows would give them enough leeway to take public transportation for the journey towards the coast. Once they had reached the docks, they signed on for the earliest boat to sail the next day. With nothing to do for the remainder of the day, they had walked to a small fishing village built along the beach and stepped into the grocery store for supplies.

Lavi smiled winsomely at the lady. “Just taking a nice vacation with my dearest,” he replied with a secretive wink at Kanda.

His ‘dearest’ was shaking with barely-supressed rage. The high-esteemed Kanda Yuu was, at that moment, clad in a sky-blue dress with a high collar to hide his Adam’s apple, puffed sleeves to veil his muscled arms and shoulders, and worst of all, a corseted waist to accentuate his hips. He put up a most terrible fight when Lavi first suggested this three days ago.

“There is no fucking way I’m wearing a fucking _dress,_ dipshit!!”

“But it’s a great way to disguise ourselves! We’ll be a regular couple and just blend into the crowd. It’s going to save us days of travel.”

“Then why don’t _you_ put on the damned thing??”

“Because I’ll look like a ridiculously tall woman next to you, don’t you think? Anyway, I haven’t been able to find another wig, so you with your long hair would be perfect for the role, you just need to let it loose under a hat and hold a fan near your face to keep it hidden. You won’t even need makeup, see?”

“No, I don’t fucking see! I don’t care, I would rather hide in a cave forever than be seen wearing that garb!”

Lavi scowled, real annoyance surfacing for a moment. He threw an arm over Kanda’s neck in a mock chokehold. “Quit it. It’s only until we reach the coast, alright? Once we’re on that ship, you can pitch the whole thing overboard or light it on fire and dance in circles around it. I’ll even help you do it. Please?”

There was no faulting this line of logic, really. Besides, Lavi was close enough for Kanda to feel the heat to radiate off of him. The Japanese froze. Frankly, he had secretly hoped for…. more, ever since the night they crossed the line from… something to something. He didn’t know if he liked it, but it was his first taste of something foreign and exciting and hot and even thinking about it made his body buzz with a tinge of arousal.

Now that Lavi was so painfully near, he could feel the taller man’s body pressed along his side, and he was alarmed to feel his body react to it. Lavi seemed to notice that something was ongoing, but wisely pulled away instead of pressing further, for they had to change quickly into their new store-bought clothes and run to catch the train. That was how they ended up boarding the four o’clock with Lavi sporting a suit and a trilby hat, and Kanda with a dress, hat, lace fan and hidden half-erection.

In the grocery store, the samurai turned and stomped in an unlady-like manner to the front door, cursing Lavi under his breath. He watched as the redhead chatted merrily away with the female customer. Was that idiot oblivious to his suffering? Kanda’s scalp itched from the heat of the hat and his hair was sticking to the back of his neck with sweat. The waistline of the dress made breathing a challenge. He felt humiliated and wanted to stab himself in the foot for agreeing to the fucking stupid idea.

Lavi approached him with a vaguely apologetic and darkly amused expression, having done away with chatting. “Hey, don’t sulk, _darling_ ,” he said with a small smile, knowing that Kanda couldn’t reply to him under the feminine disguise. The brunette glared at him furiously over the edge of the lace fan and looked ready to murder him. Even the red-faced lady who was still standing nearby backed away from the demonic look in those dark eyes. Lavi, however, merely handed ‘her’ a chilled bottle of green tea.

“I know it’s really uncomfortable, Yuu,” he said softly, “But just bear with it a little longer, okay? The lady there just told me that there’s an inn just about ten minutes away. It’ll be over soon.”

It was hard to resist when Lavi deployed all his powers of soothing charm at once. Kanda thawed a little and snatched the bottle before marching out of the store. Lavi turned and gave the woman he was talking to a knowing grin before following his partner outside.

They walked through the simple fishing village leisurely, taking in the sight and sounds of the sea. The air was humid and smelled of fish and salt. Tanned fishermen hauled boxes of fresh catch to and fro as their wives sat under verandas, fixing nets and minding small children who waved at Kanda and Lavi as they passed.  The inn was located right on the edge of the beach, and the Exorcists left a long trail of haphazard boot prints across the baked golden sands.

The inn was rather small, only two floors and a small lobby. However, its whitewashed wooden walls and framed pictures of legendary catch made it a homely place. They checked in and were led to a room with two narrow beds and a large window overlooking the village.

Lavi dropped his bags at the foot of one bed and crashed onto it. “Phew, I’m knackered out!” he complained good-naturedly.

“Che, you think _you’re_ tired?” Kanda rolled his eyes and took only a moment to place his luggage on his bed before reaching up and impatiently trying to remove his dress. It wouldn’t come off without a struggle and he cursed as the offending garment got stuck around his shoulders. “Fucking thing… won’t… fucking… damn it!” A blush seared its way to his cheeks as he imagined how damned embarrassing he must look. He heard Lavi chuckle, then felt warm, dry fingers brush against the back of his neck.

“Here, I’ll help you. Hold still.”

Kanda held still, hardly daring to breathe as Lavi disengaged the stuck dress. He could feel the faint breaths on his skin as the redhead stepped close. There was a soft buzz of a zipper, and cool air rushed over Kanda’s back, but he was too distracted by Lavi’s proximity to notice. His skin felt hyper sensitive, as if every pore was pulsating, shouting, trying to tell Lavi to fucking _touch him already._

He did. Hot, rough hands slowly slid into the opening behind the dress, caressing the smooth skin and causing shivers of raw electricity to run up and down Kanda’s spine. The Japanese swayed on his feet, furiously trying to keep still as desire, doubt, fear and excitement battled to lay claim to his mind. Lavi’s soothing palms tracked the trail of his curved spine languidly, sliding over his shoulder blades, up the back of his neck and down, down to his tailbone, so very, very close to moving further down to cup his bottom that Kanda couldn’t help but gasp and arch his back.

Someone knocked on the door, and broken was the brief spell. The hands vanished, and behind Kanda, Lavi yelled “In a moment please!” in the direction of the door as his companion hastily removed the rest of the dress. When Kanda turned back around, he caught Lavi’s eyes shifting quickly from his hips to his face. _Go change in there,_ Lavi mouthed, pointing towards the bathroom as he backed towards the door. Kanda grabbed some clothing (his own this time) and escaped into the small tiled bathroom. Outside, he could hear Lavi having a muffled conversation with whichever blasted idiot who decided to come knocking just then.

Kanda sat down heavily on the edge of the bath tub. He could still feel lingering touches on his back where Lavi’s fingers seemed to have burnt into the skin. He was _not_ supposed to feel like this. Kanda Yuu was not someone capable of feeling desire or whatever the fuck this was. Desire was some wanton feeling of a man looking to plow some girl, maybe. It wasn’t supposed to be this intense need to be touched, to have hands and fingers dancing over every inch of your skin, to coil so tightly in your core that you want to snap and ask him to just—

“Yuu?” came Lavi’s muffled voice beyond the door.

Kanda jumped as his internal struggles were interrupted. He pulled a shirt on. “What?” he yelled back.

“That was the girl at the desk. She sent up some extra pillows. She also says there’s going to be some sort of local festival going on tonight down on the beach, and we’re invited to join them. They need some able bodies down there to help them prepare, and asked if we could give them a hand.”

“No!” Kanda snapped. “I’m tired and hot right now. I want a long shower and sleep. If you want to help them, just go ahead yourself.”

Lavi’s voice paused significantly. “…Is there something wrong?”

“No. I just don’t want to go, okay?”

A long silence, then a sigh that sounded equally tired and annoyed. “Fine, I’ll go down and help them then. I can’t say no when they’re being so nice to us. You just… rest well and I’ll see you tonight. Bye.”

Kanda pressed his palm against the grainy bathroom door until he heard the front door open and close again, leaving a strained silence in its wake. Only then did he turn and sink against the door until he was sitting on the tiled floor, cradling his head.

Damn it, why the hell did he just burst like that? Kanda groaned inwardly. It was completely irrational and Lavi had done nothing to deserve it. Heck, he could still hear the quiet hurt in Lavi’s voice before he left. It was so stupid, just because…

 _I wanted him to continue where he left off,_ Kanda telepathically confessed to the bathtub. _I wanted him to come in here and touch me again, but all he would do is talk about a damn festival. I mean, he’s definitely noticed what’s going on by now. Sure, he might have been unsure about how I would react to him touching me, but damn, you would think I was the only one who wants it to happen again._

The bathtub gave him its silent vote of agreement, and Kanda growled in frustration. He refused to think about the possibility that he _was_ the only one who craved the contact between them. Everything was weird and confusing, and he was unable to think about it anymore. He showered, dressed, exited the bathroom and flung himself onto the bed. The sun was setting, and the room was dyed in shades of brilliant vermillion, scarlet and indigo. Basking in the dying sunlight, Kanda slowly unwound and fell asleep curled up like a cat.

When he woke up again, it was dark. The small clock on the bedside table showed eight in the evening. Kanda stretched sleepily and went to the window. There was a bonfire on the beach, and black figures moved around it purposefully, casting shifting shadows over the sand. It looked like there was a performance going on, and people were cooking, singing and talking loudly.

Somewhere out there, Lavi could be having the time of his life, or he could be moping around like a kicked puppy. _I’m not going down to check on the idiot rabbit,_ Kanda told himself. _I’m bored and hungry anyway. I can just leave whenever I want to. Nobody has seen my face, and they’re not going to recognize me in men’s clothes in this darkness._ He tied his hair, put on his boots, locked the room door and headed in the direction of the single blaze in the night.

 

**********

 

For a small village, they sure knew how to have a festival. Approaching the bonfire, Kanda could smell the aroma of fresh seafood on the grill and hear the harmonious weaving of drum, flute and tambourine. Children donning colourful flower chains around their necks ran past him, laughing in delight. Some people sat on the sand in small groups, particularly the women, who shared blankets and local gossip. Most of the other villagers cluttered loosely around a pretty young woman who was performing an enthralling veil dance with a muscular fire-eater. The crowd gasped as the man spat a long tongue of fire over the girl’s exposed belly, the flames almost licking her navel as she bent backwards. It was amazing that her veils did not catch on fire. Kanda stood a little further away, scanning the faces for Lavi and feeling self-conscious about being an outsider.

Eventually a man noticed him and approached. “Hello there!” the man boomed, clapping Kanda merrily on the arm. “Shan’t say I seen you before, you staying at the inn?”

“Only for the night,” Kanda replied, a little overwhelmed by the local’s friendliness.

“Strange, didn’t see you pass my place today. Certainly the womenfolk would have something to say if they’d seen the likes of you around. No matter!” The man pushed a plate of steaming food into Kanda’s hands. “Eat, young man! Enjoy the performance! Dance! Drink! We’ve got all night!”

The villager laughed in his booming voice again and went off before he could be thanked. Kanda smiled quietly to himself and tried the food, which turned out to be grilled shrimp and sea bass and tasted wonderful. After he ate, Kanda wandered back to the bonfire, where the fire-and-veils duo had taken their parting bow. In their place was a man with a lute in his hands and hair that matched the ferocity of the flames that danced behind him.

Lavi sat down comfortably on the sand and held the lute as if it was second nature to him. He plucked a few strings, making them ring clear and true, and tweaked a peg. When he deemed it satisfactory, he looked up at the crowd and saw Kanda. An incredible grin spread across his face, lighting it up, and several people twisted their necks to see who or what made their next performer so delighted. Kanda sat at the back of the crowd and gestured towards the lute, and Lavi turned his focus back onto the instrument. He strummed a few chords, and launched gently into the beginning of a song. It was slow, mellow, the notes climbing smoothly up and down the scales, perfect for a bonfire. After the first stanza, Lavi opened his mouth and, in a light tenor that sounded like warmed honey, _sang_.

_Bright, bright, ever the Gled light,_

_Through darkness it guides the brave,_

_When goodman Evin lost his way that night,_

_He plunged down to his seabed grave…._

Lavi’s fingers, though not quite as nimble as they used to be, touched light and quick upon the strings, careful yet intimate like a couple’s first kiss as he sang a ballad about a seaman who lost his way at sea one night. The man searched long for the illumination of the lighthouse that marks Gled, his home, and the soul-deep fear and homesickness of the seaman was captured in the solemn timbre of Lavi’s voice. It did not surprise Kanda that the rabbit could play a musical instrument, given how knowledgeable he had proven to be, but the Japanese was surprised by how well he could sing. He and the lute became one. Lavi _was_ the seaman.

_Wander he beyond the sight,_

_Of the town that he calls home,_

_Ever will he sail in search of the light,_

_Ever shall he roam…_

The last chord rang a moment too long while the crowd, as one, held its breath for more. When it became clear that the song had ended, they broke into enthusiastic applause and cheering. Some people wiped moisture from their eyes as they gave their hearty compliments. Lavi smiled, stood and took a graceful bow. He handed the lute carefully back to its waiting owner and walked over to where Kanda sat.

“Hey, Yuu. I thought you weren’t going to join us. Did I happen to change your mind?” he asked mischievously.

Kanda rolled his eyes. “No, idiot, I came for food. I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Oh, well, Bookman and I spent some time in Romania once, and there was this woman who was a good teacher for the lute, even though it wasn’t her _fingers_ I was looking at most of the time--”

Kanda blinked and stared at him for a second too long, then looked away. Inside, his heart gave a strange throb. The Lavi who chased skirts and told lame jokes had come back.

“No, not that, I meant singing, _boke_.”

Lavi scratched the back of his neck self-consciously. “You thought it was good? Honestly, I didn’t know I could sing like that too. Someone just asked if I could do a song for them, and I just did. Usually I don’t sound too bad, but this surprised me. I guess it was the song that was good. Can’t remember where I learnt how to play it though.”

Music struck up once again nearby, and folks started to partner up to dance. Somebody drew close to the two Exorcists, and it turned out to be the veil dancer from before. She grabbed Lavi’s arm and whispered into his ear. The redhead pulled away afterwards and motioned to Kanda to come closer with an unreadable expression.

“She’s asking me to dance with her,” he told Kanda, his lips close enough to the Japanese’s ear for him to be conscious of it. He tilted his head, asking silently for permission.

Kanda fought an inexplicable scowl that threatened to display on his face. “You shouldn’t keep a girl waiting then,” he said levelly, shoving Lavi lightly towards the dancer.

Lavi blinked, and it looked like he was about to say something, but the female dancer tugged persistently at his arm. He ended up being dragged away after yelling “Just one dance!” at his companion.

Alone, Kanda helped himself to some alcohol while idly avoiding conversation. There were too many people around for him to be at ease, so he chose a dark spot under some trees and sat down. From that spot, he could see Lavi in the midst of the dancers. Bookman Jr. could sing and play music all right, but he was terrible when it came to dancing. The girl sashayed expertly around him while he just tried to move to the music. A few of his moves made Kanda smirk in spite of himself. However, Lavi looked like he was having a good time making a fool of himself and flirting with his dancing partner.

Kanda’s mood turned a little glum. There was a weird feeling in his chest, and he didn’t know what it was. All he knew was that he suddenly did not want to be there. Lavi had never looked that happy since he’d come back, and now he was laughing and dancing, but it was with some stupid veil dancer the rabbit idiot just met a few minutes ago, and not with him.

_And it will never be with me._

Mouth wide in laughter, Lavi turned his head in Kanda’s direction, and their eyes met. The amusement drained away from the redhead’s face, and Kanda _knew_ it was because of whatever expression he had on his own face right then. Chest tightening, the Japanese jumped to his feet and walked briskly away from the bonfire into the village, ignoring the call of his name that trailed behind.

God _fucking_ damn it.

Kanda burst into the inn, stormed up the stairs to their room and damn near destroyed the door by slamming it. The huge window’s shutters were closed, leaving the room wreathed in darkness and silence, a stark contrast from the lights and jolliness of the festival. _Wreathed in darkness, just like me._ A stab of pain in his heart, and he felt like his stomach was churning. He sank heavily onto the bed and stared blankly into nothing, waiting to stop feeling like absolute shit.

Door opening, creaking, footsteps, and suddenly a large warmth enveloped his body.

“Gods, Yuu. Are you okay? You looked like you were… Damn, please, tell me what’s wrong. Yuu?”

Feeling drained and sick, Kanda pushed the warm body away and started to shove his things into his travelling bag.

“Shit, Yuu, you’re scaring me. Are you—Are you packing? What the fuck happened?” Lavi wrenched the Japanese’s arm away and grasped it painfully tight. “Tell me, Yuu!”

“…I just realized.”

Lavi held completely still. In the darkness, he was but a silhouette, his face a black sheet of mystery. “What?”

“I just realized that I should leave.”

“What, the festival?”

“The festival. This village. You.”

Lavi stared at him. “Why?” he choked out.

“Because you don’t need me anymore.”

Lavi’s eyes widened. “I don’t understand.”

Kanda sighed and pulled his arm away forcefully. “Look, when I saw you just now, I realized that you don’t need me anymore. At first, you did need my help, but now you’re far away from the Order and can handle yourself just fine. We can just go our separate ways and…”

“Stop it.”

 Kanda stopped and stared at the darkened smear that was Lavi, just sitting a foot away from him, but in some ways much further than he could hope to reach.

 “Are you going to leave me too?”

Kanda felt something in him break apart at the tremulous quality of Lavi’s voice. God. It was wrong. Too close to tears. Too soft. In a rush of a breath, regret hit him like someone had reached into his chest and clenched on his heart. Fuck, he was such a fool and a bastard. He thought that Bookman Junior was a different person, someone stoic and indifferent and not-Lavi, just because of the personality he had put on when they first met again. But hadn’t the last few days proven him wrong? Without him being completely aware of it, Bookman Junior’s icy exterior had melted, and inside, both Lavi and Junior were one and the same, just a fragmented person who had lost everything he ever had, his only family, his friends, his identity…

Lavi had lost everything except Kanda. He had _promised_ Lavi that he would help find a way to keep him alive, and _Kanda just told him that he was abandoning him._ He was the reason why Lavi didn’t sound frightened, like a child who was going to be beaten, but quiet, weary and thoroughly defeated, like the child had already been abused so often that it had come to accept that pain was just going to be a constant shackle in its life. With a great lump in his throat, Kanda grabbed Bookman Junior and crushed him into his embrace.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I… I don’t feel like you should be with someone like me, because I’ll never make you happy.”

He felt Lavi react in surprise. “What…”

“I’ll never make you laugh the way you did just now,” Kanda continued in a muffled voice against fabric that smelt so distinctly Lavi that he closed his eyes, willing himself to push away but failing miserably. “I’ll never flirt with you. I’ll never dance with you. I don’t like people, and people don’t like me. I can never tell a joke, or laugh until I cry, or tickle you or _anything_ that shows that I’m a human with fucking emotions. I’m an empty shell of a person who died long ago and left a part of this brain behind. I don’t feel like I need to _exist_. Now that you’re free, I thought I should… let you go.”

Lavi shook and shook in his arms. “I was so scared you were going to leave. I’ve already lost everyone else. I don’t want be alone when I die. I was so fucking scared.”

“I was being stupid. I won’t say it again. We’re going to do this together. I won’t leave you. I’m sorry.”

Kanda pulled away and pressed his lips carefully to the dark sheet of mystery that was Lavi’s face, tasting the salt of Lavi’s cheek on his tongue until he found warm lips. Again, again, breath-light kisses and muttered apologies on his lips, corners of his mouth, cheeks, nose, forehead and ears. A faint flush developed on both of their faces when Lavi tilted his face up to meet the kisses and return them with equal delicacy. Kanda gently prodded into the other’s mouth, and the contact deepened as they pressed against each other with more force.

The second time is always less shocking and more conscious. Kanda was more aware of the softness of Lavi’s tongue, its warm pliancy as it tangled into his space and stole his breath. There was a mild buzzing in his mind from the blood rushing through it. Lavi put his hand gently on the back of Kanda’s neck to pull him closer, and it murmured _want_ to Kanda in ways that snaked down to his core. Kanda slowly pushed the redhead onto his back on the bed.

There was no question as to what was about to happen. Everything fell into place in the natural way of two people too distracted with sharing their emotions to be awkward with one another. Lavi’s hands crawled to places they had once been before, caressing with a feel of faint familiarity. Kanda let his own hands roam everywhere, slipping under Lavi’s shirt, exploring the subtle muscles on the redhead’s chest and abdomen in a way he would never have allowed himself before. It was warm and felt good. He was once afraid of breaking out of his stolid character, but he trusted Lavi. If Lavi could accept his inability to act human, he could accept the human desires that both flawed Kanda and kept him anchored to the reality of being alive. Kanda let go, and simply lost himself in pulling Lavi’s shirt up and running his fingers along his dry, slightly sticky skin.

His fingers ran across something rough. It ran in a short, thin line. There were many irregularities on Lavi’s body, smooth lines and rough patches that ran amok, raised and dipped. He gently disengaged himself, leaned over and turned on one of the bedside lamps.

Immediately, Lavi grabbed his hand. “Wait, that’s… not such a good idea, yeah? I don’t… It’s embarrassing. Don’t turn the lights on, please?” he pleaded with a nervous little smile that didn’t reach his eye.

Kanda’s eyebrows drew together as he leaned over Lavi. “You idiot. I know what they are. I want to see you, all of you.”

Lavi’s dilated eye peered up at him in fear. “You don’t want to see them.”

Kanda looked at him for a long moment and then slowly reached out to stroke Lavi’s face in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “I’ll wait until you’re ready,” he promised solemnly, and he turned off the light, letting darkness and dim moonlight reclaim the room. The tension left Lavi’s body in a whooshing breath. Kanda couldn’t see him well, which was a shame because he really wanted to see the rabbit’s face in rapture again, but everything was worth it in the way Lavi put his hands over his shoulders and pulled him down into a careful kiss.

They bade their time, their movements languid and careful, with none of the urgency from their previous experience. Kanda had come to expect intimacy to have the same fiery intensity from that night they shared before, but this time, it was a slow building heat that burnt in his body like he was liquid metal. Their sweat-moistened skin sighed over each other as they stripped down and laid bare together for the first time. Clothes were discarded without half a thought onto the floor. Lavi gasped softly when Kanda’s fingers crept up his chest and gently circled around his nipples, his back arching a little with the pleasure. He reciprocated by licking a hot line of fire along Kanda’s jawline and throat, earning a sound of approval from the Japanese man. Their hips ground together, hot erections moving slickly against each other, and both of them groaned at the friction and pressure that came from the act. Kanda would never have imagined it feeling this good. Being the one on top, Kanda slipped one leg between Lavi’s and initiated more grinding, smiling slightly when a series of pleasured noises sang next to his ear. Lavi’s hands brazenly slipped down his hips and around his back to cup his ass and knead the firm flesh, urging him to move harder and faster. The heat between them escalated quickly as both men closed their eyes and savoured the shared sensations feverously.

Reaching down, Kanda grabbed hold of Lavi’s straining cock and squeezed lightly, strangling a loud moan from the redhead. He smirked up at Lavi before running his tongue down his throat and collarbone, pausing to suck and lick teasingly at each hardened nipple. Lavi watched the silver outline of Kanda’s beautiful shoulders move with the grace and power of a panther as the Japanese man moved downwards, laying a trail of soft nibbles pass his ribs and navel, and tracing down the junction of his thigh before reaching his obvious destination.

By then, Lavi was shaking with anticipation and making faint whimpering noises each time Kanda passed a sensitive spot. He fisted his hands in Kanda’s ink-black hair, freeing it from its tie, and his hips bucked suddenly when the silken strands spilled over them. “Nnhh… please, Yuu, I-- Yuu…!” He threw his head back and moaned loudly as Kanda took in his hot flesh in a single mouthful and growled low in his throat. Lavi’s hips lifted from the mattress, pushing his twitching cock into Kanda’s mouth as hot little groans reverberated around the small room. Kanda kept his eyes on the shifting light and shadow on the other man’s writhing body as he experimentally sucked and licked and bobbed his head, thoroughly enjoying the unravelling of the rabbit under his ministrations. An errant strand of Lavi’s hair caught the moonlight and gleamed bloody red, and Kanda thought that he had never seen anything as sexy as that in his life. Unable to hold back, he wrapped a shaking hand around his own erection and pumped it as slowly as he could manage.

Just when the Japanese man’s jaw started to ache, he started to speed up his bobbing movements and alternated between sucking powerfully and licking down to Lavi’s balls. Hands suddenly pulled his head down, shoving Lavi deeper down his throat. The redhead’s inner thighs clenched and his hips surged up excitedly as he climaxed with an almost pained cry. Hot viscous fluid gushed into Kanda’s mouth in spurts and he pulled back to swirl his tongue around the head of Lavi’s pulsing cock. When he sensed Lavi’s body finally relax, he gulped and released the softening member. An odd expression between grimace and grin twisted his face. “That had better been worth it because it’s pretty fucking gross,” he said hoarsely, wiping the back of his hand across his lips.

Lavi laughed breathlessly, that lilting sound that Kanda missed. Chest still heaving from the exertion, he tugged playfully at Kanda’s hair. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Come here so I can taste how gross it is,” he murmured with a little smile.

Kanda crawled his way up the bed and crushed his lips to Lavi’s, silently marvelling at the soft warmth. Lavi hummed into his mouth and ran his hands through his hair again, causing a tingling sensation on his scalp. Kanda rubbed his still-swollen erection against Lavi’s slick thigh and groaned softly. Getting the message, the redhead smiled against his lips and reached down. He chuckled. “God, Yuu, you’re so wet,” he sighed into Kanda’s ear.

Kanda blushed and turned his face to bite Lavi’s earlobe in retaliation. “Rich, coming from a _baka usagi_ who just came like a watering hose a minute ago.”

It was Lavi’s turn to flush red, and he smacked Kanda’s back with an open palm, _pap!_ His eye gleamed faintly with amusement. “What can I say?” he asked with a grin and shrug, “Your mouth was that hot. Hot _damn_.”

Kanda raised his brow and ran a thumb along the curved line of Lavi’s cupid bow upper lip. Looking bravely at him, Lavi let the digit slip into the sweet cavern of his mouth, biting softly and sucking. The wet, warm sensation pulled a groan from Kanda as he imagined various dirty things involving that sensuous mouth. His cock leaked onto Lavi’s fingers as he offered up two more fingers, running them against the ceiling of Lavi’s mouth and shivering when Lavi moaned around them. When he pulled them out, a thin string of drool stretched between them, and the look of open seduction in Lavi’s parted lips and twinkling green eye made him snap.

Shifting, he coaxed Lavi’s thighs apart with his other hand and pressed one of his saliva-slick fingers impatiently into Lavi. He felt Lavi tense in discomfort as the finger sank slowly in to the knuckle. “Does it hurt?”

“Mmm, no, it just… feels weird… but don’t stop.”

Kanda couldn’t see what he was doing, so he just went with sense of touch and blind instinct. The progress was paused until Lavi’s legs stopped twitching at his side, then continued. Lavi’s hips started to roll slightly when Kanda had gotten two fingers fitted snugly in him and moved them in and out steadily for some time. A low growl tore its way up Kanda’s throat the moment he curled his fingers and Lavi clamped down on them with a quiet mewl. Panting, Lavi roughly pulled his head up and growled into his ear.

“Fuck me right now, Kanda Yuu.”

Well, since he asked so fucking nicely.

Kanda felt blood rush opposite directions to his face and groin as he pulled his fingers out and spread his precum down his quivering cock. He couldn’t hold back a second longer. He pulled Lavi’s long legs out of the way, and they settled themselves around his hips as he shuffled forward and rubbed his tip against the pink stretched entrance. Without waiting, he pushed forward, earning a loud strangled sound from Lavi that matched his own choked moan.

“Wa-it! S-Stop- Yuu!”

Kanda halted, shaking all over from restraint. It was all he could do to not slam his hips forth and fuck Lavi out of his mind, sweet holy damn. He had never known pleasure as acute as the tight clenching of hot flesh around his enveloped tip, and the promise of what it would feel like when he was fully inside Lavi was fucking with his mind. The body under him was straining against him, slick with sweat, and Lavi’s breathing came in shallow gasps.

“ _Now_ does it hurt?” Kanda asked after a few seconds, with a tinge of tease in his tone.

“ _Now_ it hurts,” Lavi admitted breathlessly, “Hurts like a bitch.”

“Tch, I bet.”

There was a moment of silence, then Lavi burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, Yuu told a joke, Yuu told a fucking _sexual_ joke, I can’t even—“he wheezed. His hearty laughter filled the whole room, and it seemed to Kanda that it poured into his heart like firewhiskey, burning its way through him from head to toe. Not to mention that he could feel the pleasant vibrations from Lavi through his chest and penis, and it was making him want to shut Lavi up with kisses that would shatter his mind and possibly also his teeth.

He ended up kissing him chastely on the lips instead and smiled slightly as he felt Lavi giggle against his mouth. His hips shifted and he pulled out from Lavi. Immediately Lavi’s smile changed into a pout.

“Hey, why’d you pull out?” he whined.

Kanda rolled his eyes. “Because you were hurting so much that you asked me to stop?”

“Oh…” Lavi’s eyebrows went down in disappointment. “Sorry, I can keep it up if you--”

 “No,” Kanda replied with resolution. “Idiot, I know you. You would rather endure a hell lot of pain than tell me, so I know it _really_ hurt. I would rather start from scratch and try three fingers than cause you that much pain.”

Lavi’s eye widened, then melted into a soft expression.  “That would be nice. By the way, I think I saw massage oil in one of the bedside drawers just now. Maybe that would help?”

Kanda grinned and crawled over Lavi to the bedside table. His fingers kept fumbling around in the darkness, and he had no idea what he was doing. Giving a customary ‘ _tch’_ , he flicked the bedside lamp on. In the second drawer, he obtained a small bottle of clear fluid with triumph. He shuffled back down to the bed, and stopped in wide-eyed surprise.

The rosy warm light spilled over Lavi’s body, bare under the shirt that he had pulled up above his chest. His hands were still clutching nervously at the hem of the shirt, and he had turned his reddened face away in embarrassment.

Kanda’s teeth clenched tight as he took in the sight of his fears.

Scars. Lavi’s torso was a landmine of ragged scars from the cruelty that the Noah had inflicted upon him. Most of the cuts had been stitched and become smooth, pale scars. The ones that had healed themselves in his months of torture had turned into ragged, lumpy lines of ugly bulking scar tissue. There were all kinds of burns, browning spots of his skin that clumped around his nipples. Long, angry scars running diagonally across his chest and stomach informed Kanda of the whippings. Lavi’s eye followed his, gazing down at his own body as if he could not recognize the marred flesh, and squinted. Kanda knew he was recalling exactly how each of them came to be.

“It’s terrible, isn’t it?” the redhead whispered. “It’s revolting. What’s even more disgusting isn’t what they did on the outside.” He held a clenched fist against the centre of his bared chest. “Inside, the parasites squirm and squirm, and I always feel like throwing up everything I have ever eaten. I feel them moving, watching my every move, eating and eating until they’ve become fat little… disgusting… I’m fucking disgusting….”

Kanda watched his lover’s face twist into a grinding look of self-hatred. Without a word, he ran a single finger down the worst of the whip scars, a thin one that started at the junction of the shoulder and ended below the opposite rib. Lavi shivered.

“Baka,” Kanda mumbled into the crook of his neck, “There is nothing wrong with your body. This is evidence of how much you fought back. After everything they’ve done to you, you survived and came back. You didn’t betray Bookman, even though it would have been so much less painful for you to do so. The Noah couldn’t break what was inside. You may not be perfect, but to me, that imperfection is beauty.”

Kanda never imagined he would one day call the body of another person beautiful, but it sounded so right, so fitting that he knew there could be no better way to describe it. He reached up and tugged the shirt off the former Bookman. His careful palms lingered over each scar. “You don’t have to hide anything from me at all. Just like this, you’re good enough for me.”

This time, Lavi could not hold back the tears that tracked their way down his face as Kanda leaned down to kiss him. He needn’t say anything out loud; Kanda could feel his gratitude in every soft lay of his lips against his own, a silent desperate thank you for understanding and accepting him. In turn, his own kisses conveyed his feelings: _Thank you for letting me in._

Lavi watched through a hazed eye as Kanda poured the oil over his fingers, carefully coating them. He reached down and pressed softly inwards. The oil helped immensely in making the way smooth, and his fingers glided in and out with ease as he occupied his mouth with licking over Lavi’s scars reverently and lavishing his nipples, which were a pretty deep rose colour.

In time, they were both fully hard and panting against each other once more. Lavi scratched at Kanda’s back impatiently, and Kanda pulled his fingers out. He slicked himself up with oil and rubbed the tip of his cock around Lavi’s slightly red entrance in circles, waiting. Lavi looked at him in the eyes pleadingly. He inhaled a deep breath, and pushed in steadily.

“ _Atsui_ ,” Kanda hissed, reverting to his mother tongue in his mindless bliss. Arms trembling, he stopped when he was halfway in and waited to see how Lavi was faring. The rabbit’s breathing was hitched. Kanda scowled. Maybe they should stop. He had purposely avoided asking if Lavi had been sexually assaulted by the Noah, because he wasn’t going to be able to change anything even if he had been. He didn’t want to push Lavi’s boundaries. If he hadn’t told him, then he just wasn’t ready. All Kanda could do was try his best to make him forget, worship his body and make him feel whole again. But if he was hurting him…

Lavi’s hands on his face brought him back to the here and now.

“Hey, Yuu-chan, you’re overthinking. I’m okay with this. It doesn’t hurt half as much this time. Really.”

Kanda turned his face and sighed into one of Lavi’s palms.

“But for God’s sake, if you’re going to wait three hundred and twenty years to _move_ , I’m just gonna have to—“

Lavi rolled his hips, and Kanda’s thoughts and concerns were flung into a black void. He groaned throatily, pushed hilt-deep in, and began to move. It was hot and even slicker than before, and Kanda felt like he was being sucked in at every thrust. Lavi’s legs crossed behind the small of his back, and the redhead started to move against him, digging his heels into Kanda’s back so he could sink deeper into that delicious heat. Fuck. Kanda should have been thinking about how embarrassing the sounds were, the mingling noises of pleasure that would probably be bothering their neighbours now if it weren’t for the distant sounds from the festival, but all he could focus on were Lavi’s barely-suppressed gasps and deep moans and the undeniable fucking ecstasy that hit his body like a bolt of lightning when he thrust balls-deep into the clenching velvet heat. Raw animal urges he had never known made him speed up sooner than he wanted to, and his muscles worked together to jackhammer his hips forward, pounding into Lavi.

Lavi whined loudly, his teeth lightly scratching Kanda’s ear as he flung his arms over the Japanese’s neck and held on tightly, rubbing his swollen cock between them with fervour. “Yuu, feels so— _good_ \- holy shit-!”

“Lavi—fuck!…” Kanda buried his nose in the juncture of Lavi’s neck and inhaled deeply, taking in the heavy, musky scent of sweat and ink and _Lavi,_ and by god, it was intoxicating. The pleasure built and built towards a crescendo, their breaths and the obscene sound of wet skin slapping becoming louder, harsher and more uneven as they raced together towards a peak.

“Yuu! I’m gonna- cum--!” Lavi sobbed as his back bowed upwards. Kanda watched in fascination Lavi’s face tilted towards the ceiling, exposing the long pale column of his throat. His savagely clenched teeth gleamed faintly white and sweat rolled wetly across his skin where Kanda moved over him and smeared it with his, pressing so close that they almost seemed to meld into one solid entity.

Feeling the pressure in his balls about to explode, Kanda surged into a particularly deep thrust, his buttocks and thighs tense at the feeling of Lavi’s slick hot skin against him. The split second before his orgasm overwhelmed him, he managed to grab Lavi’s cock and squeeze it.

“Oh god Y—Aah!!”

The flesh around his cock _clamped down_ on him and Lavi just about wailed and Kanda was gone, fucking lost his mind in a white-hot wave of delirium as he stiffened and pulsed into Lavi, the sweet release almost painful in how intense it was. He couldn’t see or hear or think anything, could only feel Lavi twitching around him and the wet spurts of cum on his abs and chest. He had never felt anything like this. He eased down onto Lavi’s body and tried his best to catch his breath, but it wasn’t easy because his ear was on Lavi’s heaving chest and he could hear the rabbit’s heart still thumping crazily.

After a few long moments, their breaths had somewhat stabilized, and Kanda lifted himself to pull out with a groan, followed by a whimper from Lavi at the uncomfortable sensation. Kanda rolled off him and lay on his back for a while, eyes closed and thinking that he felt as drained and satisfied as he did after a good three-hour sword training and then an hour of onsen soaking.

“…Yuu?” came Lavi’s murmur from his right.

“Mmm?”

“You don’t… feel weird?”

“I feel like I’ve been smashed by a good orgasm, if that counts.”

“Not that! I mean, like… I’m worried that my body…”

Kanda’s eyebrows lifted dramatically and he tiredly opened one eye a crack to peek. Lavi was lying on his side, facing him, and looking at him with a genuinely concerned expression. Kanda sighed and rolled onto his side.

“Tell me clearly what you’re worried about,” he said in a low voice, brushing his relatively cleaner fingers along Lavi’s sweaty brow.

Lavi’s long lashes lowered. “’m worried that the parasites might be like, sexually transmittable or something….”

There was a moment of silence, then Kanda burst out laughing.

Kanda Yuu rarely laughed. It was a universally-known fact that this was an occurrence as commonly seen as a cow jumping over the moon. It wasn’t exactly a nice laugh, more like canines showing and a deep, sharp barking of someone who had no idea how to laugh like a normal person, really slightly more like hyena than human, but he was _laughing_ and Lavi had no idea whether to be awed or scared out of his pants (well he was not wearing any at the moment so scratch that).

“Sexually! Transmitted! Parasites!” Kanda looked at him with his sapphire eyes dilated and lips still curled up in a savage mirth. “God, the only thing I hope is not sexually transmittable is your stupidity.”

“You’re so mean!” Lavi complained. “It’s a legitimate concern! I don’t want you to suffer too, okay!”

Kanda rolled his eyes and pulled the other boy over to hold him against his chest. “Idiot rabbit. I feel fine. Better than fine. Now shut the fuck up and sleep.”

Lavi sighed and scooted to fit more comfortably against his lover.

“You don’t have to dance or flirt or tickle me to make me laugh. You don’t have to like people, and they don’t have to like you either. Just the way you are… I love Yuu…” he murmured in a hush, almost too quietly to be heard, and he would have thought Kanda had already fallen asleep judging from the ensuing silence, if not for the faintest grunt of affirmation and tightening arms around him that pulled him gently down into the darkness of sleep.

 

**********

 

_Hello Kanda_

_Look at you two_

_Remember our game?_

  _Your time is up_

_He’s going to wake up now_

_Remember what I said_

_**You have to kill him**_

 

Kanda was woken by a sudden explosion nearby and screaming and a loud crash. Instinct brought him back to full consciousness with a roar and he leapt from the bed, automatically crouching into a fighting stance, Mugen instantly materializing in his hands. It was pitch black in the room. Explosions continued outside the room and the stigma on his forearms throbbed----

_Akuma Akuma Akuma A—Lavi!_

“Lavi!!” Kanda shouted, panic welling up his throat like vomit. He was blind and he didn’t know where Lavi was and there was Akuma somewhere near, fuck, fuck, fuck!! “Lav—“

“ _Get away from me!!”_

 Kanda froze in terror at Lavi’s horrible scream from somewhere very near him. Then, he was attacked by something flinging itself at him. It was all tangled limbs and claws that left red wallows on his skin. He snarled and swiped Mugen at it, feeling his blade slice through flesh. The thing emitted a guttural sound that curdled his blood and made him want to puke. God. Oh god. He kicked the flailing body off him, ran to where he could see the faint outline of the window, and slammed it open.

Fireworks. The explosions outside were fireworks.

The loud bangs mixed with faraway sounds of past-midnight celebration muddled their way into his ears and assaulted his brain. He couldn’t help but stare at the bright bursts of green and red and blue, blooming across the night sky like fiery flowers. Moonlight filtered into the room, and Kanda turned around slowly.

The room was a mess. The ripped sheets were all over the bed, and the lamp lay shattered and useless on the floor. The booming lights of the fireworks reflected on the little shards of glass, rendering them brilliant and gem-like. They also reflected on the blood, sliding down and pooling under the skin of the figure hunched over on the ground. It raised its head.

“…..Yuu..”

No.

There was a clear black star pentagram on Lavi’s forehead.

 _Kill it kill it kill it kill it_ , screamed Kanda’s mind at him, but he was rooted to the spot, a million miles away, in a laboratory in Asia where he was looking at a boy with a scar across his nose bridge and a pleading smile on his face.

Not this again. It wasn’t fair. No.

_“Yuu-chan.”_

“Yuu, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I… Help me… Yuu…”

No.

No.

_No._

He did not spare the sobbing thing on the floor another glance before he grabbed Mugen and his uniform, jumped onto the window ledge and escaped into the night, beyond caring, beyond rational thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're feeling down now, can I cheer you up with the mental image of Kanda nope-ing through the village streets buck naked until he calmed down enough to put on some clothes? :)
> 
> I wanted to make Kanda more vulnerable in this chapter, and yes, I do think it was shitty and selfish of him to just leave Lavi like that, but being shitty is human and I think Kanda would only let himself do things like this because his defensive walls were coming down. He's seen Alma and Allen turning into Akuma/Noah before and it's not easy for him to accept that it's happening again, this time to the one he loves. Unable to accept it at the moment, he escapes the reality of it. 
> 
> I have the idea of the next chapter in mind, but it has plenty of uncertainties, so I might let it sit and mold, then I'll bring it out and it has aged like cheese haahhaah kidding. Your comments and kudos are always make me feel fucking blessed and motivate me to write more. Reminder that you can holler at me through [ tumblr ]() where I post a lot of LaviYuu drabbles and art as well as Voltron and other stuff. Until the next chapter then!


	10. Getting Back Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three words of warning: gay sex ahead.
> 
> It's been a year lol... Chapter 9 was a huge chapter for me, and it was hard to follow up quality-wise. I've had this chapter written and beta'd for so long! I was stuck with creative block and was unsatisfied with it, and so took a great time editing it. I hope you guys find it worth the long wait.  
> A great shoutout to my lovely betas, [snowdrops](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowdrops) and [clandestine7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestine7). They, too, are probably thinking "wtf Toro this took so long to post". I'm sorry guys :,3

_‘And then Kanda woke up, gasping as if drowning, from the dream.’_

He desperately wished he’d woken up that way.

Instead, Kanda woke up cold and alone, lying on hard dirt under an awning. Rain pattered softly overhead, some of it dripping onto his hair. He was looking up, and all he could see was gray slate roof and even grayer morning skies.

He lay unmoving, unseeing, uncaring. Mixed memories invaded his mind: Alma lathering mayonnaise into his noodle bowl. The woman he loved in his previous life, waving at him from the lotus pond. Moyashi wolfing down his fifth plate of rice. Lenalee’s giggling when she escaped to his room at night as a child. Marie teaching him how to play checkers. Lavi jumping at him from behind and laughing like he had caught a rare animal.

At the last memory, Kanda rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around himself.

His heart felt so small. So small.

It was hours before the skies let up and villagers started to filter into the streets, bundled under thicker clothes. If they had braved the morning rain, they would have seen the mysterious handsome young man who had been at the festival last night, lying by the side of the street with blank eyes, looking for all the world as if he were dead.

However, by the time the villagers began their morning chores, there was no longer a trace of anyone having been there, not even a hint of body warmth.

Since the little village showed nothing out of the ordinary, it was safe to assume that Lavi had not turned into an Akuma in the night. Kanda checked the inn, but according to the innkeeper’s daughter, the room was empty in the morning and looked like it had been hit by a small tornado. However, money had been left on the front counter along with the room keys. Kanda thanked her and managed to leave quickly before she recognized him or asked any questions.

After that, he searched the village and checked the docks. There was no sight of Lavi. The ship they were supposed to sail on had departed a little over an hour ago, and Lavi’s name was not on the list of passengers who were on it. Nobody who had been around the docks that morning had seen a man with red hair board any ships.

Again, he had vanished without a trace and left Kanda in the dark.

Knowing the redhead was wounded and couldn’t have gone far, Kanda looked at his map. If Lavi had not boarded a ship, it was possible that he’d backtracked to the nearest village in the direction they had come by train.

It took Kanda the better part of three days to get to the village on foot. It was infuriating, knowing that Lavi was just one step further than he could reach. As he lay alone at night, all he could think of was that Lavi could be lying alone just a few miles away, hurt, confused and in pain. The crushing guilt and heartache brought on ghastly dreams that robbed him of fitful rest. He dreamt of Lavi, hair ablaze as he laughed towards the sun. Lavi, stealing his hair tie. Lavi, muscles taut as he arched his back in pleasure. Lavi, the sign of the Akuma stamped on his forehead. 

On the night Lavi’s pained face twisted into Alma’s, Kanda woke up to the hot feeling of wetness on his face and a hollowness in his chest that made him clutch Mugen’s hilt with shaking hands. 

When he finally arrived at the village, he was drawn to the village square by a commotion. It appeared that some sort of announcement was being made, garnering the audience of the entire village. A priest stood atop the wooden stage and threw his arms wide.

“Hear ye, hear ye!” He peered down at the villagers with a dramatic frown. “I know the dead chickens and spilt blood in the backyards have been a source of great concern in the past few nights. Old woman Josie claims to have seen a shadowy figure outside her window not two nights ago! She thinks it might be a black angel, but I fear worse fate befalls us.” The priest lowered his tone ominously. “It is a demon amongst us!”  

The gathered people immediately erupted into shocked whispers, but the priest raised his palms to silence them. “However! We have naught to fear! A most honourable member of the Vatican, an _Exorcist_ , has just arrived to cleanse our town and rid us of evil!”

A black hooded figure stepped out of the crowd and joined the priest on stage. The silver of the Order’s uniform buttons flashed from under the person’s cloak. Kanda’s heart thumped as he froze, unsure whether to hide in the crowd of people or draw closer. Could it be…

The figure threw its hood back, and bright silver hair caught the sun.

Kanda took a step back in shock as Allen Walker took center stage. “Listen, I need everyone to stay in their homes tonight and lock the doors and windows,” he said in an authoritative tone. “If you value your life, do not wander outside even if you hear noises. I…”

Allen had been sweeping the crowd with his eyes, silently checking for any Akuma who might be hidden there. His gaze fell on Kanda, and the sight startled him into an open stare.

Kanda quickly shook his head. _Not now_. Allen put on his poker face and resumed talking in a calm manner. “I promise to protect you and find whatever is plaguing this town. Please follow my instructions and ensure your own safety. Thank you.”

Kanda waited until Allen had left the stage and finished talking to the priest and village chief. After that, he discreetly followed behind the younger boy for a distance. He was very glad he had thought of doing that, for after some time, Allen was joined by two other figures in black cloaks. Judging from the uncomfortable aura around the trio, Kanda guessed that the other two were Crows. It seemed that Leverrier had resorted to using Lavi’s friends to lure him out of hiding. Despicable bastard.

Kanda kept low until the night had fallen, trusting that Allen would know not to raise the alarm.

At around midnight, Allen emerged stealthily from the inn and looked around. He let out a deep sigh of relief when he saw Kanda step out of the shadows, and they slipped into a secluded area under some trees.

“What are you doing here, Moyashi?” snarled Kanda.

“Same thing I was going to ask you, Bakanda!” exclaimed Allen indignantly. “We heard that the Crows found you and Lavi together, but you got away. Good old Leverrier decided to let Lenalee and I come out on missions while being guarded by Crows. He says there’s no choice because there are only so few of us left, but we know that he’s using us to lure you out of hiding. So you did find Lavi, right?”

At the mention of that name, Kanda’s chest constricted painfully. “I did.”

“Good, we ought to get him somewhere safe. Where is he now?”

Kanda didn’t have the stomach to look at him right on. “I don’t know. He ran away, and I’m looking for him again. I was hoping to find him here.”

“What?” Allen stared at him in confusion. “Why? Don’t you know the Crows are out searching the towns with a fine-toothed comb? What if he--”

“Goddamn it Moyashi, stop talking and listen to me.”

Kanda rubbed his temples tiredly and started talking, slow and soft. He told Allen how he had found Lavi and discovered about the parasites eating his body. He talked about the night Lavi tried to drown himself and the night they fought the Crows, the same night he found out about Lavi’s healing abilities. He told Allen the general story up until the moment he saw the star on Lavi and left. The only thing he had omitted was the few hours he and Lavi had spent making love before all hell broke loose.

At the end of it, Allen was flushed, breathing hard, rage evident on his face. His Innocent hand was clenched into a tight, shaking fist.

“You left him? He showed signs of turning into an Akuma, and you _hurt_ him and just _left him behind_?” he asked tightly.

Kanda lowered his head in bitter guilt. “Yes.”

Allen’s eyes darkened like thunderstorm skies. He raised his Innocence hand towards Kanda. There was not a single doubt that he would have punched Kanda and caused a real bloodletting if not for the expression on Kanda’s face, an expression he had not made even when they were fighting Alma Karma.

Regret looked the same no matter whose face it graced. It drained Allen’s anger away, and he dropped his raised fist uselessly.

“We are a cursed lot,” he mumbled in a tired tone.

Kanda looked up at the moon. He wondered if Lavi was able to look at it tonight.

“Tell me about it,” he replied, with a hundred years weighing his voice.

 

**********

 

They quickly devised a plan to search for Lavi. It seemed possible that he was the ‘demon’ who had been killing the villagers’ livestock in recent nights, but he hadn’t attacked any of the villagers either, so it was safe to say that he still had some degree of consciousness. As Kanda streaked past houses in the dark, conflicting thoughts clawed at his mind and pulled every-which way. What was he going to do if and when they found Lavi? What should he do if Lavi started to attack them? What if Lavi had become a sentient Level Three, like the Akuma Arystar Krory once loved?

To not kill an Akuma right in front of him went against Kanda’s very nature, but the mere fleeting thought of erasing Lavi’s bright laughter from the world felt so suffocating that he could only focus on moving one foot in front of the other.

It did not take long for them to find Lavi. Allen’s cursed eye led them to where he was detecting a faint aura of Akuma. They found him lying on the grass in a field where the village had planted berry bushes in neat, dense rows.

Lavi was shaking violently, and his skin felt like it was aflame on the inside. Kanda knelt and gingerly reached out to brush aside the red hair sticking to the pale sweaty skin on Lavi’s forehead.

When no star came into view, a great surge of relief knocked the breath out of Kanda’s lungs, almost dizzying him. He gathered Lavi into his arms and held him, laying his forehead on the soft red hair. If he noticed Allen staring at them with some surprise, he ignored it.

Allen suggested that Kanda take Lavi and flee East as soon as possible, while he would escape and head West to draw the Crows in the opposite direction. It was not much of a plan, but they had to try.

They rushed to the edge of the village, Lavi on Kanda’s back, and the Japanese could not shake the incredible sense of déjà vu that developed as he did so. He’d saved Lavi from the Noah in almost the exact same way.

They stopped at the path that led out of the village, breathing hard from exertion. Allen put a hand on Kanda’s shoulder. “I have to go. The Crows must have noticed I’m gone by now, and they’ll be hot on my heels.”

Allen looked at Lavi, his fingers reaching out to touch the redhead’s shoulder.

“I know what he’s going through. It’s terrifying to know you’re no longer in control of yourself and you’re turning into something from your worst nightmares. There were times when I couldn’t muster any strength to fight the Fourteenth as he consumed my consciousness. I couldn’t even try.”

He looked at Kanda. “I know I’ve said this, but I have you and Johnny to thank for making it out of that mess as myself. If I had been alone, I would have lost to the Fourteenth much sooner. So, take care of Lavi for us, please.”

Kanda nodded. “I will.”

“And… Kanda?”

The Japanese turned back to look at the younger boy.

“If he does turn completely into an Akuma, and there’s no way to help him…” Allen’s eyes hardened into steel. “Save yourself. For the sake of humankind, we cannot afford to lose another General.”

Kanda turned away. “Take care, Walker.”

And thus they went separate ways.

 

**********

 

Lavi, sitting in his dreamscape. A black cloud, pulsing like a live animal, rising behind him. Crawling over him, swallowing him whole. He had no time to scream. His hand flailed desperately in the air before it disappeared into the darkness.

 

**********

 

Kanda woke up, gasping as if drowning, from the dream.

He looked up. Lavi was still in bed, lips pale and face flushed. They had managed to get to the next village and took refuge in a small inn room. Seeing that no Crows had immediately caught up to them, Kanda guessed that they did go after Allen instead.

He got up and checked Lavi’s temperature. Still high, but also, still no sign of the star. He took his good luck where he could get it and sighed with relief. The cloth on Lavi’s forehead had gotten warm, so Kanda soaked it in water and laid it back on. Lavi gave a small groan and murmured a word that sounded like _Yuu_. Kanda touched a lock of his fiery hair, which had grown so long that it was almost the length it had been before he was caught by the Noah, and sat down in a chair next to the bed.

When he woke up again mid-morning, thankful that he did not have another fucking cryptic dream, the bed was empty. Before he could panic, he spotted a small note on the pillow, written in Lavi’s loopy scrawl.

Kanda found Lavi sitting on a wooden bench under a huge tree, a distance away from the village and close to sprawling fields of ripe wheat. He was absently stroking a sleeping white kitten in his arms and staring at nothing. His hair shifted in the gentle wind like licking flames.

Kanda stopped at a few steps away. He was not sure if Lavi was ready to listen to anything he had to say. He had already betrayed Lavi one too many times, had turned his back on Lavi and spat on his own promise to be with him always from the moment he’d left through that window. How could one put their faith in a man who went back on his words time and again?

Gingerly, Kanda sat down. Lavi didn’t move or look at him. They sat in complete silence for a while.

Slowly, Lavi leaned sideways, until his head was resting on Kanda’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Yuu,” Lavi said in a small voice.

The swordsman let out a long-suffering sigh, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly. He took one of Lavi’s hands off the kitten in his lap and held it, smoothing his thumb over the warm, calloused palm.

“You shouldn’t be the one apologizing, idiot rabbit. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I was a fucking coward,” Kanda said solemnly.

Lavi shook his head. “I know I must have scared you. I get it. Hell, I’m pretty fucking scared of myself. Sometimes I come to, and I’m suddenly somewhere else, without knowing when or how I got there. It scares me to lose myself.”

He curled closer and squeezed Kanda’s hand as if it was the only thing keeping him grounded. It felt to Kanda like Lavi was clamping a hand down on his heart instead. Feeling tired, he rested his cheek against Lavi’s hair.

“I had a friend when I was younger,” Kanda said softly. “I was born… No, I woke up in the Asian branch of the Order. Have you heard of the Second Exorcist experiments conducted there ten years ago?”

Lavi nodded slightly. “The records were sealed, so even Bookmen could not access them, but I have heard of some things.”

Kanda drew a deep breath. “He was an experiment subject, like myself. He was stupid and always laughing, but he was the only one like me, so he was my only friend. When he tried to escape the Order with me, he found out about the true nature of the project. He killed everyone. If I didn’t kill him first, he would have…”

 “Yuu…” Lavi whispered sympathetically, and rubbed his thumb comfortingly across Kanda’s knuckles.  The samurai gripped Lavi’s fingers tightly. It lessened the trembling of his hands.

“I didn’t tell you that for your pity,” Kanda said, looking at Lavi’s face. “I want you to know that I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of losing you.”

“And I’m afraid I’ll wake up one day to find that I’ve gouged your eyes or torn your throat out.” Lavi sighed and nuzzled Kanda’s collarbone worriedly.

Kanda’s mouth curved up slightly. “I heal quickly.”

“Not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be. I’ll just have to make sure you don’t hurt me or anyone else.”

Kanda reached up and brushed his fingers against Lavi’s forehead. “I’ll protect you. I swear it, Lavi.”

“….Mmm.”

“You still have a fever, idiot. You should be resting.”

“Okay.” Yawning, Lavi let Kanda take the kitten from his lap and trotted sleepily towards the direction of the inn.

Behind him, Kanda stared down grimly at the corpse of the small kitten in his hands, a pure white and still-warm omen of things to come.

 

**********

 

Kanda was awoken that night by frantic gasping right next to him. He rolled over, mentally preparing to activate Mugen the moment he sensed something amiss. “Lavi?”

It was difficult to see in the dark, but he could tell Lavi was lying still, panting. After a while, the redhead’s breathing calmed down.

“’s okay, Yuu. Just— a nightmare.” Lavi turned to his side and pressed against Kanda, smothering his face in the Japanese man’s neck. Little trembles ran through his body like aftershocks.

Kanda relaxed and melded his body against Lavi’s so they could fit better. “Would it help you feel better if you talked about it?” he asked quietly.

Lavi nodded hesitantly, his hair tickling Kanda’s skin. “I was torturing people. Not anyone we know, thank god, just random people without faces… Was torturing the same way the Noah tortured me. I honestly don’t know being on which end made me feel worse.” He shuddered and pressed a hand to his left shoulder, where one of his worst scars was. “Fucking nightmares,” he cursed vehemently.

“At least you’ve stopped hurting now.” Kanda wiped the side of Lavi’s face with the blanket. “I hate to think why that might be so.”

“Yeah, me too. The last time those bloody Parasites ate was at least a week ago. Maybe Joyd’s had enough and it’s Rhode’s turn to have some fun with me now. Or maybe the Parasites had their fill and reached full juiciness, and they’re just ready to burst out of my eye sockets any moment now.”

“Not funny, _baka,_ ” growled Kanda, and Lavi laughed softly. Deep down, neither of them thought it was impossible.

“Ugh, now I can’t go back to sleep,” whined the redhead, pulling away a bit now that he had calmed down and it was getting stuffy being so close to another warm body.

Kanda grinned. “I can think of something that can knock you out.” And he pressed his lips tightly to Lavi’s.

It was as if Lavi had merely been waiting for an invitation. His mouth was immediately open and pliant, ready to welcome Kanda’s warm tongue. He lapped at Kanda’s lips enthusiastically while his hands came up to cup his lover’s jaw.

Lavi broke the kiss and looked hesitantly at the Japanese man.

“Do you still want me, Yuu?” he whispered. His voice trembled ever so slightly. “After what I did, do you really still want me?”

Kanda looked at him in silence. His fingers slowly smoothed over Lavi’s body until they found his hips, where they snaked under the waistband and thumbed the curves of the redhead’s hipbones.

“Yes,” he answered with certainty, looking full into Lavi’s eyes. “Yes.”

Kanda’s hands moved upwards to sweep across warm naked skin under Lavi’s shirt, and he thought it was pretty strange how just touching someone’s skin (no, Lavi’s skin specifically) could feel so damn good. He couldn’t get enough of the dry smoothness, punctuated by the scars that had looked ugly the last time but felt interesting under his fingertips now, each of them a sort of landmark with a story etched on this body.

Without these, Lavi would have been just happy-go-lucky Lavi, but Kanda would never have had the chance to be this close to him. The Japanese couldn’t tell if he hated them or were somewhat thankful for them. There were so many ifs in life.

In the end, a scar was just a piece of history, neither good nor bad. Lavi as a Bookman would treat any piece of history with care and respect. And so Kanda treated the scars with care and respect, caressing each one of them gently, and hoped that Lavi would one day be able to look at them and see that they were not flaws.

Lavi distracted Kanda’s thoughts by leaning forth to run his tongue against the swordsman’s clavicle hungrily, as if tasting his skin. Kanda let out a soft gasp and flexed his neck, allowing Lavi to run that sinful tongue up to his Adam’s apple and suck on it. His own hands snaked around to feel up the beautiful shape of Lavi’s shoulder blades and down the dip of his spine, then they reached lower to push Lavi’s pants down and squeeze his ass.

Lavi laughed quietly against Kanda’s ear and moved his mouth in a stuttering pattern downwards, bending his head to take Kanda’s nipple between his lips. He took turns sucking and licking, and Kanda’s body arched closer as he quietly moaned, hardly believing that part of him could feel this sensitive. He pulled Lavi’s hips flush against him and was satisfied to feel the hardness of Lavi’s flesh against his thigh. Lavi hummed as the samurai shoved his own pants down and grinded their lower bodies together, skin against skin, hot and good.

Kanda felt a hand on his chest gently push him onto his back. He felt Lavi remove his pants, and there was some more shuffling of clothes, then Lavi swung his leg over and climbed on top of Kanda, straddling his stomach.

“Don’t move,” he ordered in a commanding tone that Kanda had only ever heard in the heat of battle.

Lavi was facing the open window now, and bright silver-blue moonlight gleamed off the sheen of perspiration on his skin. Kanda raked his eyes over the pale body, taking in every curve and dip of bone and flesh, every scar criss-crossing his skin. Lavi’s hair tumbled over his right side of his face, and the deep red was a stark contrast to the long dark eyelashes framing his hooded left eye as he grinned down at Kanda with a dark greed. It was so fucking erotic that the Japanese man couldn’t help but grind upwards with a low groan.

Lavi’s hand shot out and grabbed Kanda’s jaw, hard enough to hurt a little. The redhead leaned forward, his face now inches away from the Japanese man’s. Kanda’s heart pounded madly in his chest.

“I said…” Lavi purred menacingly, “Don’t… fucking… move.”

Before Kanda could protest, Lavi swooped down and pressed hard and fast kisses onto his lips, chest, ribs and belly button.

It was all Kanda could do to curl his fingers into Lavi’s hair before the redhead mouthed along his straining erection. A startled groan escaped his lips. Lavi took his time, using a combination of lips and teeth to kiss and nibble up and down the hot shaft, deliberately slow and teasing. Unbidden, Kanda’s hips lifted up, seeking more.

When Lavi’s skilled mouth reached down to Kanda’s base, it suddenly disappeared for a while… then Kanda cried out in shock and ecstasy when he felt a powerful suction on his testicles. Lavi let them pop out of his mouth wetly, swallowed Kanda’s cock in a single smooth slide, and then sucked with a sudden fierceness that had Kanda bucking his hips and growling. He would have choked the redhead if Lavi hadn’t pressed a firm hand onto his hip to pin him down.

“La-vi, _fuck_ ,” Kanda hissed, feeling his core tense into a huge knot that only got unbearably tighter with each warm suck and lick. He could tell Lavi had started to touch himself from the groans that were sending amazing vibrations down his cock.

“ _Motto_ ,” he moaned, starting to pull Lavi’s head down a little so he could shove deeper into the other’s mouth. Lavi sucked harder and faster and---

The hot mouth was gone, and a rough palm, covered in precum, took over and jerked Kanda so quickly that he was done in five seconds flat, hissing through his clenched teeth as he threw his head back. His body spasmed and a long wave of relief flooded through it, rendering him breathless until he came down from his orgasmic high. He gulped lungfuls of air and looked down. Lavi had his forehead pressed against Kanda’s thigh and was panting in stutters as he neared his own climax. The Japanese waited patiently, stroking Lavi’s hair and ears until the redhead tensed and moaned through his own release.

Lavi was breathing hard through his mouth when he climbed back up and dropped with a soft whumph! next to his lover. “Sorry if you were hoping to go all the way tonight, but I’m actually pretty tuckered out,” he muttered, pressing his fingers to Kanda’s lips apologetically. 

“It’s alright,” said Kanda. Even though his body was still raring to go, he didn’t want to wear Lavi out so soon after he’d had a high fever, so it wasn’t a bad lie. Besides, having Lavi’s naked body stretched languidly against him was almost just as good. He wrapped his arms around the slightly taller man and kissed Lavi’s shoulder blade.

Lavi chuckled. “Didn’t pin you as a cuddly man, darling.”

“…Call me that one more time and it’s Mugen who’s going to be cuddly with you.”

“No thanks, I haven’t got a sword kink, unlike you, _darling_.”

“That’s it, I’m done with you.” Kanda unfurled his arms from around the other man and pushed the sweaty body away.

Lavi laughed and just sprawled across Kanda as though the swordsman was his personal pillow. “I wish I didn’t have to die, so I can feel this forever.”

Kanda tensed a little and glanced at Lavi, but the redhead was yawning widely and he wasn’t looking depressed or pained.

It seemed that Lavi was in one of those unique, occasional moods he had where he would return from a long Bookman mission and talk about everything, even topics like genocides and wars, with a strange brand of bored nonchalance. In those days, Kanda had been very annoyed by that particular mood, but he’d slowly gotten used to it and figured that it was the way the idiot relieved mental stress, so he’d decided to let the rabbit run his big mouth.

“There is no forever. Everyone has to die,” Kanda replied slowly, while they were still able to talk about this topic in a somewhat light-mannered way.

“True,” said Lavi with another big yawn, “But I wanted to die when I’m ninety-nine, surrounded by friends and apprentice Bookmen. Oh, and a dozen buxom beauties,” he added lazily. “Not when I’m barely twenty, without so much as a Bookman title or a beard to scratch on my chin, with a lover who has an immeasurable lifespan and damned nightmares about being raped by th—“

Lavi abruptly stopped talking. Loaded silence filled the air between them like a thick gas. Kanda felt his hands curl into fists as his insides twisted around a hot poker. He could charge back to the Noahs’ lair and tear every single one of them limb to limb with his bare hands on this enraged hatred.

After a few moments, Lavi nuzzled closer to him. “Are you mad at me?” he asked sheepishly.

Kanda let out his anger in small bits of rushing breaths.

“No,” he finally replied in a resigned tone. “No. I just wish that---…”

_We had to suffer less. We would suffer no more. Neither of us had a death sentence over our heads. We could stay together this way, and just be._

 “--- you and I would sleep well tonight,” finished Kanda helplessly, hugging Lavi close to him. Because in the end, nothing good was likely to last, everything bad was likely to repeat itself, and he had learnt only to live for the moment and appreciate what he had right now: the thump of Lavi’s slowing heartbeat against him, the warmth of Lavi’s toes tangling with his, and the muffled silence of slumber taking him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for comments, please leave me one to tell me what you feel about this chapter :) Thanks so much for your kudos and comments! Drop by my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/suicidetoro) to check out Laviyuu art and other stuff I post there!


End file.
